SD's Big Shell parody
by salocin deslunes
Summary: An MGS2 parody, written by Salocin Deslunes. Fun, sexual and racial jokes involved.


PART 1  
  
The "Metal Gear Solid 2 : Sons Of Liberty" Big Shell Parody  
  
The "Metal Gear Solid 2 : Sons Of Liberty" Big Shell Parody By Salocin Deslunes  
  
Colonel : Snake, do you remember the sinking of that tanker two years ago?  
  
Raiden : ..Not really, I wasn't there.  
  
Colonel : *humph* Shut up and listen then. Terrorists blow a hole in an oil tanker full of crude, barely 20 miles off the shore of Manhattan - Your classic nightmare.  
  
Raiden : Ya I know, I hate does damn nightmares. So scary..  
  
Colonel : Quit wining you sissy! It didn't take long for the government to put an oil fence around the whole mess. And then that massive offshore cleanup facility went up inside.  
  
Raiden : "The Big Blue Apple"  
  
Colonel : No, you moron! The Big Shell.  
  
Raiden : Euh, soorrryyy. I hear the cleanup isn't quite over yet.  
  
Colonel : It takes some time, we still need to kidnap more Iraqi people to come and clean up the mess here.  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
*Helicopter's approaching*  
  
"Calling teams Alpha and Bravo.Deploy at the Big Shell as scheduled."  
  
Colonel : Approximately six hours ago, the Big Shell was seized by an armed group.  
  
Raiden : Do we have an ID?  
  
Former members of the Navy SEAL's special anti-terrorist training squad,..  
  
Raiden : Foxhound?  
  
Colonel : No you prick, we're Foxhound, they call themselves "Dead Cell".  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
Colonel : Russian private army members may also be involved.  
  
Raiden : Ruskie's?!  
  
Colonel : Affirmative. It's a highly trained group and they have the Big Shell under complete control.  
  
"Raiden pop's head out of water."  
  
Raiden : Hum Big Shell, nice colour.  
  
Colonel : Get going now Snake!  
  
*Helicopter's*  
  
"Come in from downwind then pull up fast! Get ready to fast rope down to Shell One!  
  
5 minutes to ETA! Alpha, your top priority is to rescue and safeguard the president! Team Bravo, watch out for Stillman's back , and get those C-3? C- 2? Oh, just get those fucking bombs disarmed.  
  
That's it guys, were going back and I'm stopping at Burger King's."  
  
Raiden : What are their demands?  
  
Colonel : 30 billion dollar's and a cheesecake.  
  
Raiden : What? What makes them think they can have a cheesecake!? Lazy Ruskie's!  
  
Colonel : Listen, there was a government-sponsored tour going on at the Big Shell that day.  
  
Raiden : So?  
  
Colonel : So? They have hostages! A VIP from one of the major conservation groups, and one from our own government-The Most Importance Person in a sense.  
  
Raiden : No, they didn't?!  
  
Colonel : They did.  
  
Raiden : They kidnapped Bob The Builder !!! Fucking Terrorists!!!  
  
Colonel : What the..!? No you idiot not Bob The Builder, The President, come on what are you 4 !?  
  
Raiden : Oh, The President, but Bob is okay?  
  
Colonel : ..Bob is okay.  
  
Raiden : What a relief man.  
  
Colonel : Unless our demands are met, the terrorists intend to blow the Big Shell out of the water.  
  
Raiden : So?  
  
Colonel : So? Do you really know nothing!? If the chlorides being used to decontaminate the seawater go up with the oil, toxins containing catastrophic levels of dioxins will be released. In other words, the bay's ecosystem will be wiped out, and the sea will turn into a toxic soup for centuries - becoming the worst environmental disaster in history.  
  
Raiden : I like soup, I like pea soup.  
  
Colonel : What does that have anything to do with the mission?!  
  
Raiden : huh?! Oh nothing Colonel.  
  
Colonel : Repeat what I just said Snake!  
  
Raiden : You said Bob The Builder was ALLRIGHT! J  
  
Colonel : . . .  
  
*Raiden enters dock from sea*  
  
Colonel : You have two mission objectives. One: infiltrate the offshore decontamination facility "Big Shell" and safeguard the President and other hostages; and two : disarm the terrorists by any means necessary.  
  
Raiden : The Ruskie's?  
  
Colonel : *Humph* Yes the Ruskie's.  
  
*Raiden pop's head out of water and sees two diving costumes.*  
  
Raiden : WHAAAHH!! MONSTER'S!  
  
Colonel : Get a grip you sissy!!! Those are just costumes.  
  
By the way you should know that SEAL team 10 is also conducting a rescue operation.  
  
Raiden : Why, is this a joint effort?  
  
Colonel : I'm sorry, you want a joint?! No smoking during missions!!  
  
Raiden : That's not what I.  
  
Colonel : I don't want to hear it you sick mind!  
  
Raiden : .  
  
Colonel : Snake listen, you mustn't alert them to your presence -- that is an order.  
  
*CODEC activates*  
  
Raiden : This is Snake. I am now inside Strut A of Shell One.  
  
Colonel : How are things?  
  
Raiden : Miserable, I'm all wet and I think some dead fish got into my suit.  
  
Colonel : That's impossible.besides that how is it?  
  
Raiden : We're in luck. Looks like there are no Ruskie's posted here.  
  
Colonel : What's the visibility?  
  
Raiden : Bad, I can't see shit through these stupid swimming goggles.  
  
Colonel : Any other problems?  
  
Raiden : There was a brand-new hole cut through the oil fence. There's someone else besides me that wanted to get in badly.  
  
Colonel : That's not possible.  
  
Raiden : What do you mean, I saw the hole ya know! You think I'm smoking pot again or something?!  
  
Colonel : No it's just that nobody could of gone into it you know..  
  
Raiden : Ya right! What about SEAL team 10?  
  
Colonel : They landed on the roof of the Big Shell as planned. And by the way Snake, we're changing your code name for all following communication.  
  
Raiden : Really? Can I be Barney?  
  
Colonel : No you are now designated Raiden.  
  
All right , Raiden. You've already covered infiltration in VR Training.  
  
Raiden : I guess.  
  
Colonel : Just make sure nobody sees you. If you need to contact me by codec my frequency is 140.85.  
  
Raiden : Mine is 069.69.  
  
Colonel : That's great. When we need to reach you - contact you, the codec will beep. Just listen then.  
  
Raiden : Do I have to?  
  
Colonel : Of course, the Codec's receiver directly stimulates the small bones of your ear. No one but you will be able to hear it.  
  
Raiden : You sure of that?  
  
Colonel : Well yes of course !  
  
Raiden : But when I have to talk then?  
  
Colonel : Just talk very quietly.  
  
Raiden : All right. I'll contact you if anything changes.  
  
Colonel : First, make your way up to the upper section of the big shell.  
  
Raiden : How do I get up to the next level?  
  
Colonel : There's an elevator at the far end of that area. Use that.  
  
Raiden : I'm claustrophobic.  
  
Colonel : Oh, you..! Don't worry the elevator is pretty large!  
  
Raiden : I see...  
  
PART 2  
  
*Raiden changes position*  
  
*Codec Rings*  
  
Colonel : Your new Sneaking suit uses electrofiber technology, a byproduct of fiber-optics research. The texture isn't far removed from rubber but the materials protects against a wide range of toxic substances. The suit itself has wide array of built-in sensors.  
  
Raiden : Really? Hey Colonel?  
  
Colonel : What is it?  
  
Raiden : Do I look good in it?  
  
Colonel : What the ..?  
  
Raiden : I mean I like it , It's realy tight between the butt-cheeks, hihi.  
  
Colonel : .(Raiden gay, all the way).  
  
Raiden : What did you say?  
  
Colonel :Huh? Oh nothing of importance. Let's return to my explanation.  
  
It is referred to as 'Smart Skin' in military R&D. Data about damage to different regions of the body, including blood loss, is exchanged between the suit and the intravenous nanomachines to create a feedback system.  
  
Raiden : Huh? Like I care.  
  
Colonel : Pay attention you idiot, I'm explaining what your suit does!  
  
Raiden : Oh come on ! There's a lot of pressure on my torso!  
  
Colonel : Stop crying you sissy, the suit applies varying pressure to major internal organs to maximize performance and safeguard their functions.  
  
Raiden : Oh really, why don't I have any pressure around the groin area then?  
  
Colonel : You don't have any major internal organs there do you? Or anything else?  
  
Raiden : Good point.  
  
Colonel : They call this the skull suit in Foxhound.  
  
Raiden : Skull suit, WAHA what a stupid name.  
  
Colonel : Do I have to remind you Raiden that your first name is Gaylord?  
  
Raiden : . . .  
  
Colonel : The hatch with a circular handle will open into the elevator area . Locate the hatch first.  
  
Raiden : Copy that. Moving on to main mission objectives. . . . . . . .  
  
Colonel : What are you doing?  
  
Raiden : What were my objectives again?  
  
Colonel : You dumbfuck, just take the elevator at the end.  
  
*Raiden finds the handle and opens the door, he sees an enemy sentry regaining consciousness*  
  
Raiden : IIIIIIEEEK!!!!  
  
*Codec*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, I've sighted an enemy sentry, I'm so scared..  
  
Colonel : What the..!? What are you waiting for, go after him!  
  
*peeks around corner*  
  
Raiden :Those grenades, all this equipment is Russian made.  
  
Colonel : Must be a Gurlukovich man.  
  
Raiden : Gurlukovich?  
  
Colonel : A Russian private army that was in line to work with the Shadow Moses takeover group, four years ago.  
  
Raiden : A Ruskie?  
  
Colonel : *Humph..Yes a Ruskie.  
  
Raiden : What's their stake in this one?  
  
Colonel : They must have made a deal, an arrangement with the terrorists.  
  
They've become a band of mercenaries, an army without a country.  
  
Raiden : Well yeah, Russia, they're Ruskie's.  
  
Colonel : Never mind.  
  
Raiden : The sentry is gone, I'm going in.  
  
Colonel : Watch your back.  
  
*Raiden continues to the elevator room where he can just see a figure going up in the elevator.*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, there's definitely another intruder in here besides me.  
  
Colonel : That's not a possibility  
  
Raiden : Not a team - looks like a solo job.  
  
Colonel : One man.dude where did he came from, if we knew he existed we would of taken that guy instead of this Raiden pussy.  
  
Raiden : Hey what the hell!?  
  
Colonel : Oh shut up and get going , you can take advantage of the situation and get to a terminal in front of the elevator, a node.  
  
Raiden : Did you say 'nerd'?  
  
Colonel : What? No, I di.Yes, yes I did, I said you were a nerd!  
  
Raiden : That's not really nice.  
  
Colonel : Raiden , listen you dipshit! You have to get to a N-O-D-E.  
  
Use the node to gain access to the Big Shell's facilities network.  
  
Raiden : Then what?  
  
Colonel : Pull up the map of the structure ; that'll let you activate the soliton radar.  
  
Raiden : soliton radar?  
  
Colonel : It's a radar system.  
  
The node unit is about 3 feet high - should be coloured blue. Each area has at least one, usually built right into the wall.  
  
Raiden : How do I gain access?  
  
Colonel :Just stand in front of it and put your hand on the screen.  
  
Raiden : I got it.  
  
Colonel :Complete the procedure before those sentries regain consciousness.  
  
If they spot you, you won't be able to gain access for a while.  
  
Raiden : I'll be as sneaky as a snake.  
  
Colonel : Stay on guard.  
  
*Raiden get's to the node and puts his hand on the screen*  
  
JJIIIIIIEEEZZZ !!  
  
Raiden : WAHAAAAHUHUHUHHUHUH!!!!  
  
Colonel : What's wrong!  
  
Raiden : The screen..*puff*..the screen electrocuted my FREAKING ARM! You could of told me it was so much pain!  
  
Colonel : Sorry..I forget. Anyway good work Raiden.  
  
Raiden : The radar should be functioning now?  
  
Colonel : Yes, remember your VR training sessions.  
  
Raiden : What happens to my mission data?  
  
Colonel : I've set aside a proprietary frequency for saves. And an analyst to work on the data too.  
  
*Rose interrupts*  
  
Rose : Gaylord - is everything all right?  
  
Raiden : Rose, What the hell are you doing here!  
  
Rose : Gaylord, can you hear me?!  
  
Raiden : Of course I can you bitch! You're not supposed to be involved!  
  
Rose : Gaylord, I'm a part of this mission.  
  
Raiden : Colonel, what the hell is going on!?  
  
Colonel : Raiden meet the mission analyst. She'll be overseeing the data and support.  
  
Raiden : Why her? She doesn't know jack about computers and even less about data and support.  
  
Colonel : Huh? Well, we just thought that.hum, you know.You see the FOXHOUND analyst that was supposed to take part in the mission was in an accident.  
  
Raiden : An accident?  
  
Colonel : Yes an accident, she was run over by a beer truck!  
  
Raiden : Damn!  
  
Colonel : Rose was brought in as a replacement.  
  
Raiden : Really? She's never been part of a field mission, this is insane!  
  
Colonel : I have my own reasons for selecting her for this mission soldier. *huhm.*  
  
Raiden : What are you up to?  
  
Colonel : Nothing focus on the mission!  
  
Raiden : You keep your filthy paws off of her..  
  
Colonel : Why..!? I would never..  
  
Rose : Gaylord? You're stuck with me whether you like it or not.  
  
Raiden : Rose.  
  
Rose : You need someone to watch your back. But - I have conditions that need to be met, Colonel.  
  
Colonel : What is it?  
  
Rose : If you ever try to sexually harass me I will blow up the C-4 strapped around my panty's.  
  
Colonel : *glup* I see. I'd like to make a request too, if I may.  
  
Rose : Of course.  
  
Colonel : His handle is Raiden. For the duration of the mission, could you call him that?  
  
Rose : Yes, sir. Okay Raiden - my proprietary frequency is 140.96.  
  
*ZIP*  
  
Rose : I just switched frequencies. Gaylord?  
  
Raiden : Yes.  
  
Rose : Do you know what day tomorrow is?  
  
Raiden : April 30th - is there something special about it?  
  
Rose ; Isn't there?  
  
Raiden : Let's see, .it was the grand reopening of Burger King's last year. The year before was when I almost drowned in my bathtub. Hum I'm sorry I really don't know what you mean.  
  
Rose : Oh well, I'll keep trying 'till I hear the answer.  
  
Raiden : What?! No, tell me!!  
  
Rose : I'm going to let you go now, Gaylord. Take care.  
  
Raiden : No tell me!!! I hate riddles !!!! TELL ME YOU BITCH !!!!  
  
PART 3  
  
*Raiden looks at the guards and can tell that they're regaining consciousness*  
  
Raiden : IIEEEEK!! They're moving! I should hide somewhere.  
  
Colonel : Hide somewhere until the elevator arrives Raiden.  
  
Raiden : Where?  
  
Colonel : I don't know, you're supposed to be the sneaking expert doofus!  
  
Raiden : I'm gonna go up on those boxes. .....There, I'm hidden.  
  
*Guard stands up*  
  
Raiden : *GLUP*  
  
Guard : "I'm under attack, stay alert."  
  
Raiden : AAAAHHHHH, HE'S CALLING REINFORCEMENTS RUN !!!!  
  
Guard : Who goes there?!  
  
*Raiden runs back to the water pool and hides in one of the lockers*  
  
Raiden : Heheh, he'll never find me here....  
  
Guard : ???? Where could that intruder be? Hey Mr. Intruder where are you?!  
  
Raiden : NOT HERE!!!  
  
Guard ; HUH?! WHO GOES THERE?!  
  
Raiden : AAHHHH!!!  
  
*Raiden runs to the guard and does a spinning kick, the guard is unconscious.*  
  
Raiden : Did I get him? Oh sweet Jezus!  
  
Colonel : Good work Raiden, now get up to the roof of strut A. Get going!  
  
Raiden : But Colonel, there's another guard.  
  
Colonel : So? Just do another spinning kick.  
  
Raiden : Got it.  
  
*Raiden runs to the other guard*  
  
Raiden : HYJAAA!!  
  
*Guard kicks Raiden in the face before doing the spinning kick*  
  
Raiden : OUCH!  
  
Colonel : Get up he's gonna radio in!!  
  
Raiden : Over my dead body!!  
  
*Raiden runs up to the guard, slaps him about thirty times and then kicks him in the balls!*  
  
Guard : ..mommy....  
  
Raiden : Don't mess with the Gaylord.  
  
*Stands in the elevator and goes up*  
  
Colonel : The terrorists call themselves "Sons of Liberty."  
  
Raiden : Sons of Liberty?  
  
Colonel : The name of their leader is Solid Snake.  
  
Raiden : The hero of Shadow Moses!? So that's why you changed my code name.  
  
Colonel : Right. But it can't be THE Solid Snake. He died two years ago, on that tanker....after he blew it sky-high.  
  
Raiden : Could he have survived?  
  
Colonel : Not a chance...  
  
Raiden : What a dumbass, why would he blow up a tanker with him on it. Some people just never learn.  
  
*Raiden hides behind some boxes and calls in*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, I'm on the roof. There are no sentries, but it would only take one to spot me in this light.  
  
Colonel : You never had daylight VR training, after all.  
  
Raiden : Guess not.  
  
Colonel : Stay extra sharp until you can find a node to log in from.  
  
Raiden : What?! Fuck off I ain't burning my freaking arm off again!!  
  
Colonel : Don't worry it won't hurt this time.  
  
Raiden : You sure?  
  
Colonel : Trust me....  
  
Raiden : What about the commandos?  
  
Colonel : SEAL team 10 has landed on Struts B and C.  
  
Raiden : And the President?  
  
Colonel : Seems he was spotted on Strut B.  
  
Raiden : Strut B?  
  
Colonle : The Big Shell is comprised of Shells one and two. Each unit consists of a central core and six struts surrounding it.....Do you know what that means?  
  
Raiden : That it's big?  
  
Colonel : ....I believe we all knew that already. No you moron it means that the whole thing is shaped like 2 hexagons connected end-on-end.  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
Colonel : What's a hexagon?  
  
Raiden : It's something that you throw and that fights like a girl.  
  
Colonel : Huh?! No you dipshit that's a POKEMON!! A hexagon is the shape of the Shells with their struts.  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
Colonel : *Sigh* You're on the roof of Strut A, Shell one for the moment. First, get to a node. Log into the network.  
  
Raiden : Those nodes are scary.  
  
Colonel : Damnit you fruit get going!  
  
*Raiden looks around the roof and suddenly finds an M-9 around the little corner*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, I found a gun!  
  
Colonel : Oh Raiden be careful with that!  
  
Raiden : Why?  
  
Colonel : Euh , just always remember to point the gun away from YOU and if the pistol doesn't fire anymore don't look through the little hole okay? Normally it just means you have to reload the weapon.  
  
Raiden : I knew that!  
  
Colonel : Oh really and do you remember those accidents during VR huh?  
  
Raiden : Not really I was sleeping you know, haha.  
  
Colonel : Just don't get yourself asleep again with that gun okay?  
  
Raiden : Got it!  
  
*Raiden starts to run with his gun to practice the handling a bit*  
  
*SHI SHI SHI HSHI BONK!*  
  
Raiden : OUCH!  
  
Colonel : What happened?  
  
Raiden : I slipped!! This damn pigeon shit almost killed me! I could of fallen off the edge!  
  
Colonel : That would be nice. Raiden ; killed by pigeon shit.  
  
Raiden : Shut up!!  
  
*Raiden picks up M-9 and starts shooting at birds!!*  
  
Raiden : Take that you shitheads!!!  
  
*Doesn't hit anything and suddenly can't fire anymore*  
  
Raiden : Huh? Why can't I fire anymore?  
  
*Looks inside the shooting hole*  
  
Colonel : Raiden, what the hell I told you never to point that gun at your ugly head!!  
  
You just have to reload the damn thing.  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
*Reloads and starts shooting again*  
  
Raiden : Haha, I'm bound to get one now!  
  
*Pigeon shit falls right in his eye*  
  
Raiden : AAHHHH I'M FUCKING BLIND!!! That's it you stupid birds I'll get you for this!!!  
  
PART 4  
  
*Raiden walks down the stairs and get's to see 2 guards*  
  
Guard : "I'm gonna check the roof. I'll leave the first floor to you okay?"  
  
Guard 2: "Understood."  
  
Raiden : Damnit he's going on the roof that's through here.  
  
*Hides in locker again*  
  
After 2 hours....  
  
Raiden : Huh? He still didn't pass, but he was going to the roof...Colonel??  
  
Colonel : ZzzzzZZZzzzz HUH!!?? What?! Raiden what are you still doing in that locker!!?  
  
Raiden : The guard was going on the roof...  
  
Colonel : So you DIPSHIT?! There are two stairs to get on the roof, get moving you dick!  
  
Raiden : Okay....Colonel, I've located the node, but it's under heavy surveillance. I can't get in any closer.  
  
Colonel : Heavy surveillance my butt, there's only one guard. Try making some noise to draw his attention away.  
  
Raiden : How?  
  
Colonel : Sing the ketchup song.  
  
Raiden : ?  
  
Colonel : Oh you idiot just knock on the wall.  
  
Raiden : Got it.  
  
*KNOCK KNOCK*  
  
Guard : Who's there?  
  
Raiden : Watch!  
  
Guard : Watch who?  
  
Raiden : Watch My Fist!  
  
*Raiden jumps in front of the guard and knocks him unconscious.*  
  
Raiden : I love that game.  
  
*Raiden get's to the A-B connecting bridge after logging into the node*  
  
Colonel : Raiden, watch out. There are sentries posted on the connecting bridge. They will spot you if you continue on your course.  
  
Raiden : So I'm being evacuated?  
  
Colonel : *Humph* No you genius you should hang and then move along the railing.  
  
Raiden : Not a problem.  
  
Colonel : Wait a second, I just intercepted new intelligence on the operation being executed by SEAL team 10.  
  
Raiden : Intercepted?  
  
Colonel : As I said before, they need to be kept in the dark about our presence.  
  
Raiden : So we just listen in...  
  
Colonel : I'm patching it through  
  
*  
  
SEAL alpha0:  
  
This is Alpha Zero.We have the president.  
  
Squad leader : Is he safe?  
  
SEAL alpha0 : He is safe.  
  
Squad leader : What about the package?  
  
SEAL alpha0 : Hum, yes sir, I found the pin-up of Carmen Electra nude that you requested.  
  
Squad leader : Damnit no you idiot I meant the *PACKAGE*.  
  
SEAL alpha0 : Tell the guys upstairs that we've secured the package. Esay money.  
  
Squad leader : Good work. Your retrieval is on the way. Come on home.  
  
SEAL apha0 :Roger that - H-holy!  
  
*Sudden gunfire*  
  
Squad leader : Alpha Zero ! Report!!  
  
SEAL aplha0 : Damnit! Cover the president!!  
  
Squad leader : Come in, alpha Zero.  
  
SEAL alpha0 : This is Alpha Zero. We are under attack! This is crazy! Is that ...!?  
  
Squad leader : Alpha Zero, respond!  
  
SEAL alpha0 : - - -  
  
Squad leader : All Alpha, respond!  
  
Colonel : Raiden, the president's life is in danger! Head to Strut B now!  
  
*Raiden looks at the two guards and decides to hang at the railing on the left. He quickly runs and jumps over the railing, he waits for the guard to pass and then he suddenly kicks the guard while doing some kind of salto. The guard is unconscious. He then observes the second guard.  
  
He sneaks up on the guard but makes noise on the metallic plates that were on the floor.  
  
Guard : "WHO GOES THERE!?"  
  
Raiden : AAAHHHHH!!!!  
  
*Raiden kicks the guard in the balls then takes his underwear and pulls it over his head. He then runs away to Strut B screaming. The guard can't see a thing and trips over his own rifle.  
  
Guard : RUAAAAaaaaaaahhhhh!!!.....................*plush!*  
  
*Guard falls of the railing and drowns in sea.*  
  
*Raiden looks around the corner and can't see anybody*  
  
Raiden : Did I get him?  
  
Colonel : I guess.  
  
Raiden : Damn, I'm a real warrior.  
  
Colonel : Let's not go there.  
  
Raiden : .....  
  
*Raiden enters Strut B*  
  
Raiden : BWEEURK!!  
  
Colonel : What the?! Why did you throw up?!  
  
Raiden : The SEAL's, its' disgusting.  
  
Colonel : Just be carefull.  
  
Raiden : Okay, I'll be silent.  
  
*Moves very quietly*  
  
*SMACK*  
  
Raiden : DAMNIT!!  
  
Colonel : What now?!  
  
Raiden : I fell over one of the bodies.  
  
Colonel : You dumbass, I told you to be quiet!!  
  
Raiden : But they're in my way!  
  
Colonel : Well you can't ask them to move now can you?!!!  
  
Raiden : ..  
  
PART 5  
  
*Raiden moves to the door of the electrical room but suddenly.*  
  
SEAL alpha0 : Damn!  
  
SEAL alpha1 : Fire!  
  
SEAL alpha2 : I can't hit him!  
  
SEAL alpha3 : What kind of freak is this?  
  
SEAL alpha0 : AAARRRGH!  
  
Squad Leader : Alpha Zero, come in Alpha Zero.  
  
*Raiden still waits before entering*  
  
Vamp aims with lethal accuracy for the men's jugular. Blood spurts up to the ceiling, and the M4's clatters to the floor. Vamp finishes up by slitting their throats. Sprays of blood cloud the shaft of sunlight, and the soldier's scream reverberate through the room. Vamp nimbly avoids the showers of blood while the Alpha team's lifeless bodies thud to the floor.  
  
Squad Leader : All Alpha, come in! What's going on? Alpha respond! DAMNIT!! People I want that fucking pin-up of Carmen do you hear me!?  
  
*No response, Carmen Electra's photo is covered with blood with the dead SEALs hand just on her boobs.*  
  
Colonel : Come on Raiden, get in.  
  
Raiden : Do I have to?  
  
Colonel : Well of course!  
  
Raiden : Can't I just continue down the hall here and get to next Strut?  
  
Colonel : You get your butt in that electrical room now!  
  
Raiden : Well then, I'm going in!  
  
*Raiden takes a deep breath and then dashes inside*  
  
Raiden : I'm gonna search this area carefully.  
  
Colonel : Don't trip over any of the bodies then because there are a lot of corpses on the floor.  
  
Raiden : I think I'm gonna be sick.  
  
Colonel : Oh man.  
  
Raiden : Bweurk!  
  
Colonel : Pussy.  
  
Raiden : Okay I got that out of my system let's go and see what I can find out.  
  
*Raiden continues and can see some man sucking the blood out of one of the SEAls*  
  
Raiden : !!  
  
*Vamp turns to Raiden letting the SEAL fall down to the ground as a marionette*  
  
Raiden : What are you you bloodsucker?  
  
Vamp : Bloodsucker? Well at least I ain't no cocksucker right kid?  
  
Raiden : How did you?! SHUT UP!!  
  
Vamp : Heheh. Five today..or rather six?  
  
Raiden : ?  
  
*Vamp jumps up in the air with great speed that even Raiden couldn't follow the move*  
  
Pliskin : GET DOWN!!!  
  
Raiden : WHO?  
  
Pliskin : YOU GODDAMNIT!!  
  
Raiden : IIEEEKKK!!  
  
*Falls on the floor*  
  
*Pliskin starts shooting  
  
Pliskin : Where is he?  
  
Raiden : BEHIND YOU!  
  
Pliskin : Huh?! What the hell he isn't there!  
  
Raiden : Just kidding hihi!  
  
Pliskin : Damn kid!  
  
*Vamp now really shows up and throws Pliksin's M4 away. Raiden jumps and picks up the weapon*  
  
Vamp : Hmm, Strange smell.  
  
Pliskin : I know it's the new Calvin Klein fragrance do you like it?  
  
Vamp : Huh?!  
  
*Vamp throws Pliskin to the floor*  
  
Vamp : Are you, it has to be?  
  
Pliskin : Shoot ! What are you waiting for?!  
  
Raiden : Okay!  
  
Pliskin : URHG!! Not me BONEHAD THE BLOODSUCKER!!  
  
Raiden : Oops, my bad.  
  
*Raiden starts shooting but can't hit a thing because Vamp's pirouette dodges all the bullets *  
  
(Radio) Fortune : Vamp?  
  
Vamp : Yeah, Queen.  
  
Fortune : Are you all done cleaning up?  
  
Vamp : Yes. But wait till I tell you what I found.  
  
Fortune : Something interesting?  
  
Vamp : Yes, I bet you'll love this pin-up of Carmen Electra nude.  
  
Fortune : Waw Vamp you're really spoiling me.  
  
Vamp : Where are you?  
  
Fortune : In the central unit, with the President.  
  
Vamp : Be right there.  
  
*Raiden finishes reloading the gun and points but sees nobody*  
  
Vamp : JOINKS!!  
  
*Vamp quickly reappears just to take the pin-up and then flashes away*  
  
Raiden : ?  
  
*Raiden now points his gun at the wounded man*  
  
Pliskin : hold on, I'm not an enemy calm down. My name is S. Pliskin. Iroquois Pliskin. Lieutenant Junior Grade.  
  
Raiden : Are you a NAVY seal ?  
  
Pliskin : I dunno.  
  
Raiden : What do you mean I don't know?  
  
Pliskin : I don't know, I have amnesia, I sometimes even forget why I'm on this fucking Plant.  
  
Raiden : How did you get in?  
  
Pliskin : I was fired here by some human body propulsion cannon In Berlin.  
  
Raiden : ??  
  
Pliskin : Or maybe I had a fast rope descent from a Navy chopper, héhé, I forgot.  
  
*Raiden spots a sea lice coming out of Pliskin's suit*  
  
Raiden : What's that sea lice coming out of your suit there then?!  
  
Pliskin : Huh? What sea lice?!  
  
*Pliskin quickly steps on the bug* SCRUNCH!*  
  
Pliskin : I didn't see no sea lice.  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Pliskin : You should really stop taking medication you find in lockers here or on the floor.  
  
It's bad for your mind kid.  
  
Raiden : Have I seen you before?  
  
Pliskin :... That suit - are you FOXHOUND?  
  
Raiden : ..  
  
Colonel :" Yes Raiden you are."  
  
Raiden : That's right I am.  
  
Pliskin : FOXHOUND was disbanded.  
  
Raiden : ..?  
  
Pliskin : Where were you before FOXHOUND?  
  
Raiden : I was part of the army's force XXI trials.  
  
Pliskin : Force XXI? That's about tactical IT deployment, right?  
  
Raiden : Euh, Yeah whatever.  
  
Pliskin : Any field experience?  
  
Raiden : No -not really.  
  
Pliskin : So this is you're first.  
  
Raiden : I've had extensive training - the kind that's indistinguishable from the real thing.  
  
Pliskin : Like what?  
  
Raiden : I dunno, some VR missions.  
  
Pliskin : What VR missions?  
  
Raiden : The ones I already played on my playstation, I'm really good at them!  
  
Pliskin : You don't get injured in VR do you?  
  
Raiden : There's pain sensation in VR, and even a sense of reality and urgency. The only difference is that it's not really happening.  
  
Pliskin : Pain sensation?! The only thing that happens when you get hit is that your controller vibrates and I bet you kill yourself every time just so you can hold that vibrating controller against your groin!!  
  
Raiden : ...or up my ass.  
  
Pliskin : Exactly.  
  
PART 6  
  
*Pliskin gathers his gear and walks over to the node*  
  
Raiden : What's up?  
  
Pliskin : Take a look.  
  
*Points to the man with half a handcuff*  
  
Raiden : What the hell?  
  
Pliskin : A Navy captain.Aghh  
  
*Pliskin sits down on a stair, dizzy and pale with blood loss*  
  
Raiden : You all right?  
  
Pliskin : Give me a few more minutes. Must have lost a few more pints than I thought.  
  
Raiden : What was that man - just now?  
  
Pliskin : That bloodsucking freak? That was Vamp.  
  
Pliskin : He's Romanian, a wizard with knives as you saw.  
  
Raiden : So he ain't no Ruskie?  
  
Pliskin : No not really.  
  
Raiden : The way he moved didn't seem human.  
  
Pliskin : You won't see that on your Playstation VR, I guarantee.  
  
Raiden : What is he?  
  
Pliskin : Just like you.  
  
Raiden : .A excellent warrior?  
  
Pliskin : No just gay.  
  
Raiden : Hey?!  
  
Pliskin : He's a bloodsucking freak, you're a cocksucking freak. Deal with it!  
  
Raiden : I guess he's not on our side..  
  
Pliskin : No he's one of the members of Dead Cell.  
  
Raiden : Dead Cell.Him?  
  
Pliskin : A special forces unit created by the ex-president.  
  
Raiden : Bill Clinton?  
  
Pliskin : Bill?? No dumbass George Sears!  
  
The name was originally intended to reflect it's anti-terrorist functions. The unit would launch unannounced assaults on government complexes, for the ultimate terrorism simulation.  
  
Raiden : Oh like that gay bar that was attacked last year?  
  
Pliskin : A gay bar isn't a government complex and the people who attacked it were just angry citizens trying to get you pervs out of their community!!  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
Pliskin : Dead Cell and their members were needed to show VR troopers like you how to deal with the real thing. But around their original leader died in prison, the unit began to unravel. They were always close to the edge, but they became more and more extreme; began to go after U.S. allies, even civilians.  
  
Raiden : And that's when they attacked my gay bar!  
  
Pliskin : Would you please shut up about your gay bar, I told you before it wasn't Dead Cell but simple civilians trying to kick your asses out of their town!!!  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
Pliskin : We estimate that no fewer than a hundred people died as a result of 'accidents' the Dead Cell arranged on their own. They were out of control - and it all came to an end six months ago.  
  
Raiden : What happened?  
  
Pliskin : The unit was devastated. There are only three left and you just saw one of them.  
  
Raiden : Why would they go after the Big Shell?  
  
Pliskin : How should I know? I told you they were on the lunatic fringe.  
  
Raiden : Probably why he took that Carmen Electra picture on the floor.  
  
Pliskin : Probably.  
  
Raiden : What about the leader? He says he's Solid Snake.  
  
Pliskin : Solid Snake died two years ago.  
  
Raiden : Oh yeah what happened again? Something with a boat?  
  
Pliskin : Oh jeez, it was the oil tanker the Discovery. Solid Snake blew it up.  
  
Raiden : Yeah that was a lucrative action, HA! But wasn't he supposed to be a legend?  
  
Pliskin : Legends are usually bad news.  
  
Raiden : I hear you , like that time I pretended to be Hercules and I tried to smash a full beer can on my forehead. That wasn't a pretty sight.  
  
Pliskin : Poor beer can.  
  
Raiden : No man, poor me. My face was totally messed up.  
  
Pliskin : Yes I think I can believe that, I bet you never truly recovered?  
  
Raiden : Guess not. But hey you're saying Snake is still alive and pulled another one?  
  
Pliskin : No, he's not involved in this one. His body was positively ID'd two years ago.  
  
Raiden : Snake is alive..  
  
Pliskin : No he's dead!  
  
Raiden : That's what I said!  
  
Pliskin : ...  
  
Raiden : What about the other soldiers? They all had the latest gear.  
  
Pliskin : They're former presidential security detail, just like Dead Cell.  
  
Raiden : Pretty heavily armed for a bunch of bodyguards.  
  
Pliskin : Yes I see you prefer the "lighter stretch costumes."  
  
How do you call it again: Gay Suit?  
  
Raiden : No Skull Suit!!!  
  
Pliskin : That's what I said..  
  
Raiden : ..I saw Ruskie equipment too.  
  
Pliskin : Former soviet military. They're probably mercenaries. The big Shell is too much ground to just Dead Cell members to hold down. You weren't briefed on any of this - and you came in alone to boot. Why?  
  
Raiden : ..  
  
Pliskin : What are you really doing here? Can't tell me, huh? Fine with me.  
  
*Hands out cigarettes to Raiden*  
  
Raiden : I don't smoke.  
  
Pliskin : What? Afraid your hair will catch on fire?  
  
Raiden : No I just don't like polluting my system.  
  
Pliskin : Take it anyway, may come in handy.  
  
Raiden : Okay. Here take this, I found it on my way in, I hid it in my suit.  
  
Pliskin : So that was the bump I spotted on your groin, I should of known.  
  
Raiden : Euh no, I actually kept it in my right sock.  
  
Pliskin : Oh, so what are you hiding in your underwear then?  
  
Raiden : HUH?! That's personal!  
  
Pliskin : Give me the vibrating beeper kid.  
  
Raiden : Awwww..  
  
*Pulls beeper out of his underwear*  
  
Pliskin : Hey what you giving me a shaver for kid? You take it and go shave that geeky gay hair of your head.  
  
Raiden : Okay, I'll keep it then. May come in handy.  
  
Pliskin : Yeah right, you gonna shave the guards or something? Haha!  
  
Raiden : Well what am I suppose to do with your cigarettes then? Blow a puff of smoke at the guard and hope he suffocates?!  
  
Pliskin : It just relaxes.  
  
*Radio SEALs *  
  
SEAL B0: Come in Alpha Zero! This is Bravo Zero, currently at the bridge between Struts B and C. The president is -DAMN! I can't hit this thing! It's like some kind of bad dream -  
  
Alpha! Anyone! Come in, all Alpha! This is Bravo Zero!  
  
Raiden : Aren't you going to answer him?!  
  
SEAL B0 : AAAAARRHGGHHG!!!  
  
Pliskin : Maybe later...The B-C connecting bridge.  
  
Raiden : We need to get there. Can you handle it?  
  
Pliskin : I need a few more minutes. remember my frequency - it's 141.80.  
  
I've been briefed on this plant's layout. If you need any information on the place or about Dead Cell, contact me.  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Pliksin : What?  
  
Raiden : What's your frequency again?  
  
Pliskin : 141.80.!  
  
Raiden : 141.80 got it! Mine is ..  
  
Pliskin : Don't even wanna hear it!  
  
Raiden : Why not?  
  
Pliskin : Just don't want to know. That's all.  
  
Raiden : Strange.  
  
Pliskin : You're using nano communication right?  
  
Raiden : Yeah but I can patch into you're frequency.  
  
Pliskin : Okay you do that.  
  
*Raiden is ready to leave*  
  
Pliskin : Hey -- what's your name?  
  
Raiden : Raiden.  
  
Pliskin : Raiden? Strange code name.  
  
Raiden : Makes up for the boring one my parents gave me.  
  
Pliskin : Really, what is your real name?  
  
Raiden : Don't wanna tell.  
  
Pliskin : Oh come on is it Paul, Robert, Barney, Ronald?  
  
Raiden : No but I really don't like my name, it really reflects the person that I am. I don't like that.  
  
Pliskin : Oh dear Jesus your name is Gaylord.  
  
Raiden : Correct.  
  
Pliskin : Now that's hilarious!  
  
Raiden : Ruh! I'm going now!  
  
Pliksin : See ya Gaylord!!  
  
PART 7  
  
*Raiden having left Pliskin, heads for the B-C connecting bridge when a call comes in from Rose*  
  
Rose : Gaylord it's me.  
  
Raiden : Everything okay, Rose?  
  
Rose : Hihihoe! Stop it colonel!  
  
Raiden : What?! What's going on?  
  
Rose : Give me my panty back Colonel!  
  
Raiden : Damnit Colonel!  
  
Colonel : Hum, I didn't do anything.  
  
Raiden :...Anyway Rose, what is it?  
  
Rose : Don't you need to save the mission data?  
  
Raiden : I thought you were supposed to do that.  
  
Rose : Well I am but I need your confirmation.  
  
Raiden : Sure why not, do it.  
  
*Saved*  
  
Rose : Gaylord, do you remember what day tomorrow is?  
  
Raiden : Damnit bitch I already told you April 30th , get an agenda!!  
  
Rose : ..I'm sorry Gaylord, I just wanted..  
  
Colonel : His name is Raiden bitch, I already told you to call him Raiden!!  
  
Rose : STOP YELLING AT ME YOU BULLIES!!  
  
Raiden : Oh stop crying now and listen, there's something I need you to do as an analyst.  
  
Rose : What now?  
  
Raiden : It has to do with Solid Snake. The leader of this takeover incident is claiming that he's Snake himself.  
  
Rose : The legendary mercenary? Hm.  
  
Raiden : I need as much data on him as possible. Everything they have on him after the Shadow Moses incident.  
  
Rose : He's dead now, isn't he?  
  
Raiden : Yes, should be a burial record somewhere too.  
  
Raiden : You should be able to request top-level security clearance from the Colonel. That should get us into the most classified material.  
  
Rose : How can I do that?  
  
Raiden : Use your charmes.  
  
Rose : I see what you mean.  
  
*Takes of panty*  
  
Rose : I'll contact you as soon as I found out something.  
  
*Raiden arrives at the connecting bridge between struts B and C, only to find the Bravo team engaged in a firefight with someone. The SEALs are firing continuously from the BC connecting path to a hidden target on the bridge running between the BC section and the central area. Raiden pulls out his gun and moves forward on full alert. As he passes the large column that was blocking his view, an incredible sight greets his eyes. The unseen foe is a queenly, slender woman, carrying a linear rifle almost equal in length to her own height. Around her shoulder is draped a leather coat as black as her skin; the hem flutters lazily in the sea breeze. A sidearm rests on her hip, and at her feet are the president and the black case. She seems to have no interest whatsoever in engaging the soldiers. The SEAL team fires on the woman, but the bullets fail to find her target. The woman carries with her visible aura like a pale fire. The bullets curve away from Fortune as they close in. Raiden watches the whole scene unfold from the shadows*  
  
Raiden : What the hell is that?  
  
Fortune : Come, put me out of my misery!  
  
SEAL B0 : This impossible! Nothing will hit her!  
  
SEAL B1 : Learn how to shoot then man!  
  
SEAL B0 : Come on move it!  
  
*Vamp bounds out of the central core, picks up the President like a rag doll and slings him over his shoulder. Hooking the Black Case up in one hand, he turns to Fortune.  
  
Vamp : Queen.  
  
Fortune : You have the pin-up?  
  
*Vamp nods in affirmation*  
  
Fortune :Excellent..  
  
SEAL B1 : Don't let them take the president!  
  
*SEALs come in as backup*  
  
SEAL B0 : Ready grenades!  
  
SEAL B1 : Oh no sir wait a second, the launcher isn't loaded. I have the grenade somewhere here.  
  
*Searches, eventually finds it in underwear*  
  
SEAL B1 : Here it is.  
  
SEAL B0 : Ready Grenades!  
  
*Fires a grenade from the launcher but it fails to detonate*  
  
SEAL B3 : A dud?  
  
SEAL B1 : Oh no sorry, my bad, I gave you the wrong thing here is the real grenade.  
  
*Pulls grenade out of his shoe*  
  
SEAL B0 : Well what did I just fire then!?  
  
SEAL B1 : My socks.  
  
SEAL B0 : What were your socks doing in your underwear?!  
  
SEAL B1 :Well..it's because.you see..it makes my..look bigger..  
  
SEAL B0 : I see.Well, anyway. Ready gre..!  
  
SEAL B2 : Just shoot the damn thing man!!!  
  
*Shoots grenade, misses his target, the grenade falls of the bridge and lands in ocean*  
  
SEAL B0 : Well I'll be damned! Has anyone got another spare grenade?  
  
SEALs : NoOO..  
  
SEAL B4 : I have another pair of socks if you want.  
  
SEALs : STFU!!  
  
*The SEALs in the rear move in closer. The woman wearily raises her face, as though surrendering to an inevitable inconvenience.*  
  
Fortune : Today is another bad day.Is there anyone here that can give me happiness?  
  
SEAL B4 : Well baby, I've got some fine love that I would wanna give you! Did I already say you look hot in that outfit?  
  
Fortune : ?? Die bastards!  
  
*The woman pulls the trigger. The Bravo team disintegrates with every whine of the linear rifle*  
  
SEALs : AAAAGHHH!!!!  
  
*The SEAls are all dead except for one desperately holding onto the bridge, Fortune looks with no pity..the SEAL is still holding*  
  
Fortune : Damnit man, fall!!  
  
*Steps on his hands*  
  
SEAL : AAAAAaaaaghh!!  
  
Fortune : I'm so sorry, my beauties.I'll see you again someday.  
  
*Fortune walks away with sea gulls falling down into the ocean behind her. Raiden quickly pops his head to see where Fortune is and a sea gull falls on his head*  
  
Raiden : Damn birds!! Even dead you're still a pest!!  
  
PART 8  
  
*Raiden reports what he has just seen to the Colonel*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, SEAL Team 10's Bravo team was wiped out.  
  
Colonel : I see.  
  
Raiden : What happened to the cargo choppers?  
  
Colonel : Both of them are at the bottom of the harbor. Looks like your new hosts have a Harrier-2.  
  
Raiden : A Harrier? What is this?  
  
Colonel : A harrier is a fighting plane you idiot!  
  
Raiden : No I mean what is going on?  
  
Colonel : Calm down. It just means they anticipated the attack.  
  
Raiden : What?  
  
Colonel : Besides, since the SEALs drew their fire, your infiltration went off without a hitch. On top of that, we know their defensive capabilities.  
  
Raiden : Are you saying this was all a feint?  
  
Colonel : For you yes, so you better not mess up you hear me!?!  
  
Raiden : I hear you.  
  
Colonel : Let's go now. They could decide to retaliate for that failed assault.  
  
Raiden : How?  
  
Colonel : Well, they could all go up on the roof and show their naked butts at our satellite.  
  
Raiden : Bastards, they wouldn't?!  
  
Colonel : You never know, remember most of these men here are Russian.  
  
Raiden : Freaky Ruskie's.  
  
Colonel : We should also consider the fact that they could blow up the Big Shell. If that toxic spill does take place, it'll devastate not only the harbor. But poison the coastline for generations to come.  
  
Raiden : I guess that ell be the end of me and my fishing trips with Justin.  
  
Colonel : Who's Justin?  
  
Raiden : He's my ga.  
  
Colonel : ..  
  
Raiden : Nobody.  
  
Colonel : Anyway listen Raiden, we've had to adjust the mission objectives. The priority is now on removing those C-4's that the terrorists wired over the Big Shell. The president can wait, but this can't.  
  
Raiden : Colonel, you know I'm no bomb disposal expert.  
  
Colonel : Oh quit underestimating yourself! You're not of much use when you're like that!  
  
Raiden : .  
  
Colonel : Listen, the Bravo team brought an explosives pro in with them. He was supposed to stand by on Strut C according to their mission plan. You should find him there.  
  
Raiden : Is this according to simulation too.?  
  
Colonel : What are you talking about? Get to strut C and find him!  
  
Raiden : Hey shut up, how can I find him if I don't know what he looks like?  
  
Colonel : He's black.  
  
Raiden : Okay, then that's solved. But I still have one more thing I need to ask you.  
  
Colonel : Make it quick.  
  
Raiden : Who are they - Dead Cell, I mean? They couldn't hit her, no matter how hard they tried.And that vampire too. It's like - it's like being in one of those damn nightmares I can't wake up from!!  
  
Rose : Gaylord, snap out of it!  
  
Raiden : And you Rose - I can't believe you're on this mission. I keep thinking I'll wake up.  
  
Colonel : I have an idea.  
  
Raiden : What?  
  
Colonel : Shoot yourself in the foot with the USP.  
  
Raiden : ???  
  
Colonel : If it hurts it means this is real, if not I think you had a bit too much of those medications you found on the floor.  
  
Raiden : Okay, here!  
  
*BANG* *Shoots himself in foot*  
  
Raiden : Damn, it really doesn't hurt that much...  
  
Colonel : You didn't.  
  
Raiden : I..diid...ZzzzzZZZzzzzZZZZz  
  
*Raiden falls to the floor*  
  
Colonel : That retarded monkey !!! He shot himself with the M-9, now he's asleep!!! Goddammit I TOLD HIM TO USE THE USP!!!  
  
Rose : He looks so cute asleep.  
  
Colonel : Oh shut up will ya!  
  
*After 2 long hours*  
  
Raiden : Huh? What happened?  
  
*Pulls M-9 syringe out of foot*  
  
Raiden : Oh bum, I screwed up big time there.  
  
Colonel : Are you awake dumbfuck?  
  
Raiden : Awake.  
  
Colonel : Please take your M-9.  
  
Raiden : Why?  
  
Colonel : Just take it.  
  
Raiden : Okay, there.  
  
Colonel : Now pull the out the crackers that are in your left sock.  
  
Raiden : *Scrunch*, I have em.  
  
Colonel : Put the crackers on the gun and crush them on it.  
  
*Srucnhch*  
  
Raiden : I really don't get it, now my pistol is full of crackers.  
  
*JOINKS*  
  
Raiden : HEY!!!!  
  
Colonel : Heheh.  
  
Raiden : Colonel that damn sea gull stole my gun, he's flying around with it!!!!  
  
Colonel : It's for your own good kid.  
  
*Sea gull fly's over the bridge making fun of Raiden*  
  
Raiden : Damnit, I thought you were all killed by the black crazy woman there!  
  
Colonel : Don't forget you were asleep for 2 hours Raiden.  
  
Raiden : That's it! Prepare to die !  
  
*Pulls out USP*  
  
Raiden : Take this!!!  
  
*Bang Bang*  
  
*Sea Gull dodges all the shots and then fiercely speeds up in Raiden's direction*  
  
Sea Gull : Meieeiuw!!  
  
*Sea Gull drops M-9*  
  
Raiden : Huh?  
  
*Raiden get's M-9 on his head*  
  
Raiden : Oeueh..  
  
*Raiden is unconscious*  
  
Colonel : You have got to be fucking kidding me.  
  
Rose : Oh he look's so cute when he's unconscious.  
  
Colonel Would you please shut your yap bitch!!!  
  
PART 9  
  
*Raiden regains consciousness*  
  
Raiden : Euh? What happened now?  
  
Colonel : The bird got you.  
  
Raiden : Damn birds.hey at least I got my M-9 back.  
  
*Picks up M-9*  
  
Colonel : Raiden we really have no time to waste, get to Strut C.  
  
Raiden : I'm on my way.  
  
*Raiden enters Strut C in search of the bomb disposal expert. Strut C serves as living quarters for the Shell personnel, and contains the cafeteria, kitchen, etc. There are no signs of the enemy. As Raiden enters the kitchen, he hears something. He continues on cautiously and discovers a man at work in front of the long quarter. An array of tools and equipment lines the countertop. The man, a well-built African-American in hi slate 50s, is so wrapped up in his work that he does not notice Raiden's arrival. He is wearing a leather jacket with" NYPD Bomb Squad" emblazoned on the back. His head is a smooth egg-shape, completely devoid of hair. To Raiden, he looks like a bomber at work.  
  
Raiden : Freeze!  
  
Peter : Don't shoot !  
  
Raiden : Oh your black? Well then it's all right.  
  
*Raiden puts gun away*  
  
Peter : What the??!! You see a black dude and you immediately suppose that he's friendly? ....Shouldn't it be the other way around?  
  
Raiden : Hey I'm no racist.  
  
Peter : No but what you just did was plain dumb, always keep your gun pointed at a black dude in hostile territory! Don't they teach you that!!???  
  
Raiden : Well if it makes you feel any better I can always keep my gun pointed at you.  
  
*Takes out gun again*  
  
Pliskin : Dammit kid, he's not one of the bad guys. Don't go pointing that thing everywhere !  
  
Raiden : But he said.  
  
Pliskin : I don't wanna hear it!!  
  
Raiden :...  
  
Pliskin : What's your name?  
  
Raiden : Gaylord, remember?  
  
Pliskin : Not you! You!  
  
Peter : My name is Peter. Peter Stillman.  
  
Pliskin : Lecturer at NAVSCOLEOD Indian Head. Also a consultant for the NYPD bomb squad.  
  
Peter : A poor old man who got dragged along for this picnic.  
  
*Peter gets up and walks over. His right leg is disabled, and he limps heavily.  
  
Pliskin : I thought you'd retired  
  
Peter : I did. Can't keep up with everybody, as you can see. A famous church got wiped off the map thanks to me. With too many lives inside. All I lost was this leg.  
  
Raiden : So you're the bomb disposal guy?  
  
Pliskin : Kid this is THE bomb disposal guy. Open any explosives disposal textbook and you'll see his name.  
  
Raiden :..I don't read.  
  
Pliskin : True. Not a lot of text in Gay Porn Magazines these days, huh?  
  
Raiden : ..  
  
Peter : Heh, just ancient history now.  
  
Raiden : Why did they bring you out of retirement then?  
  
Peter : Because the terrorist group here includes one of my students.  
  
Raiden : That Fortune lady? Is she your daughter?  
  
Peter : What? No I'm not her father!  
  
Raiden : You look like her.  
  
Peter : I don't!  
  
Raiden : Yes you do, you're both black.  
  
Peter : RACIST!!  
  
Raiden : Told you I wasn't a racist.  
  
Pliskin : Shut up, both of you!!  
  
Peter : My student was The Emperor Of Explosives - Fatman. He built an atomic bomb when he was only ten. I created him in a sense.  
  
Pliskin : And that's why you're here.  
  
Peter : I'm pretty rusty. I was supposed to supervise the bomb disposal - looks like it was taken care of before I had my turn.  
  
Pliskin : I wouldn't say that. There are at least two people here who can claim to be experts at bomb disposal.  
  
Raiden : ?  
  
Peter : Are you two with SEAL team 10? I didn't see you at the mission briefing.  
  
Pliskin : I was still sleeping..  
  
Raiden : Well I was at a family barbecue..  
  
Pliskin : HAHA!  
  
Peter : ..  
  
Pliskin : Mr. Pliskin, do you have any experience with explosives disposal?  
  
Pliskin : Don't worry about me. And he looks gay, but he can do it. We need more manpower.  
  
Raiden : Gay??  
  
Pliskin : I mean young, young.  
  
Peter : ...What's your name?  
  
Raiden : Raiden.  
  
Peter : You said you were Gaylord.  
  
Raiden : Well Raiden is my codename, Gaylord is my real name.  
  
Peter : ..Those are odd names.  
  
Raiden : Huh, are there any survivors?  
  
Peter : There was also an engineer with me.  
  
Raiden : An engineer?  
  
Peter : A skinny guy, he went in with us.  
  
Raiden : Where is he?  
  
Peter : I haven't seen him since that skirmish.  
  
Raiden : Was he killed?  
  
Peter : I don't think so. I didn't find his body.  
  
Pliskin : I see.  
  
Peter : They told me he was the security systems architect for the Big Shell.  
  
Raiden : Why would they take a civilian along?  
  
Peter : Everything in this structure is computer-controlled. He was supposed to get us past all the security measures.  
  
Raiden : And he just left you? What an asshole.  
  
Pliskin : Yes, .what an asshole..  
  
Peter : We'll leave that for later. Right now, we need, to figure out how to deal with all the bombs.  
  
Raiden : But there's no one left from the SEAL's EOD squad.  
  
Pliskin : Yep. So we have to do it ourselves.  
  
Raiden : Not me! I'm bombaphobic..  
  
Pliskin & Peter : ......  
  
*Codec*  
  
Raiden : Hold on a sec.  
  
Pliskin : Off to confer with the CO again?  
  
Colonel : Glad to hear Stillman' is safe. Assist him in any way possible to clear the C4 from the structure.  
  
Raiden : I told you about my phobias, I can't stand it!!  
  
Colonel : Get a grip!! If you don't prevent the Big Shell from being destroyed everything will be ruined. And that means no more fishing trips with Justin.  
  
Raiden : ¨*Glups* But..  
  
*Rose interrupts*  
  
Rose : Gaylord, it's me.  
  
Raiden : Justin?  
  
Rose : ??NO!! ROSE!!  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Rose : You know what!! Screw you and your mission!!! Come on Colonel let's get it on!!  
  
Colonel : Oh, yeah!  
  
Raiden : ROSE!! Please don't..  
  
Colonel : Get back to the *smack* mission *smack*.  
  
Raiden :...  
  
Peter : So kid are you done?  
  
Raiden : Let's do it!  
  
Peter : Good, there's no need to think about this so much. You won't actually be dismantling the bomb. That's not for amateurs. What we'll try here instead is a temporary freezing measure.  
  
Peter : Here, look at this -  
  
*Peter's demonstration. He sweeps aside the tools on the tabletop with his arm, and puts down a sample of C4. *  
  
Raiden : *Glups*  
  
Peter : This is a C4 bomb.  
  
Raiden : ..  
  
*Raiden's heartbeat rises*  
  
*Peter flips the switch and the diode attached to the C4 glows green*  
  
Peter : It's live.. IT'S ALIVE!!!! (In a Frankenstein kinda way)  
  
Raiden : It's gonna BLOW !!!! AAAHHHH!!!!  
  
Pliskin : Calm down you two dumbfucks!!!  
  
Peter : Hehe, just joking, look. You spray this on the sucker and.there we go. Simple, huh? The spray freezes the detonator instantly.  
  
Raiden : How long does the effect last?  
  
Peter : There's no way the thing can detonate in this condition. Even if you leave it alone, it'll stay out of commission for at least 24 hours.  
  
Pliskin : That's enough time.  
  
Peter : If we had the manpower, I'd recommend complete disposal but as I see it's up to you two girls this will just have to do. Check the floor, ceiling, walls, under a table -everywhere. Try to imagine the locations the bomber would choose.  
  
Pliskin : That won't be easy. We don't know a thing about Fatman.  
  
Peter : Well, I can tell you this.  
  
Pliskin : What?  
  
Peter : He's fat.  
  
Pliskin : ...  
  
Peter : He's huge, he's one big chunk of meat and bones I'll tell you that.  
  
Pliskin : Of course, that means he can't go in any places too small. His locations should be easily accessible.  
  
Peter : ..yeah right.  
  
Raiden : Is there anything that'll help us locate the bombs?  
  
Peter : Here take this with you. It's what they call an Ion Mobility Spectrometer.  
  
Raiden : I know this, they use it in Ghostbusters.  
  
Peter : ...No, this can recognize ionized gas emitted by C4s.  
  
Raiden : The what.!?  
  
Pliskin : Don't even bother explaining, he won't get it anyway.  
  
Raiden : I get it, it's a C4 detector.  
  
Peter : Kinda. This also detects a special cologne that Fatman leaves on his bombs, every bomb he build's has this signature.  
  
Pliskin : Is that something he learned from you?  
  
Peter : No, it was his own quirk. He wouldn't work by any rules but his own, and he followed them like religion.  
  
Raiden : Worshipping the Fat god Of Bombs I bet haha.  
  
Peter : Shut up! I thought I taught him everything I knew.I have no children of my own, and I thought I found a son in him.  
  
Raiden : But you're black.  
  
Peter : So?  
  
Raiden : And you already have your daughter.  
  
Peter : What daughter?!  
  
Raiden : Fortune.  
  
Peter : You really are stupid huh? I told you she wasn't my daughter!!  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
Pliskin : Forget it, let's see how well that sensor works.  
  
Peter : All right.Fatman would have allotted some C4s here on Strut C as well.  
  
Raiden : Here!? Where!?  
  
*Checks the table, the floor, the boxes, the sinks, the buckets, Peter's pants*  
  
Peter : Hey!!  
  
Raiden : Sorry.  
  
Peter : Get a grip and watch, I'm activating the sensors..You see the green stuff on the radar? That's a visual representation of the C4 scent detected by the sensors.  
  
Raiden : Waw, I can even see it here, look it's floating above us.  
  
*Points at a green gas floating over their heads*  
  
Pliskin : Oh, sorry guys. That was me.  
  
Raiden : ?  
  
Pliskin : I farted.  
  
Raiden & Peter : ......  
  
Raiden : Now this is getting confusing..  
  
PART 10  
  
Pliskin : Don't complain, it's better than nothing.  
  
Peter : Just activate the sensors and search the area, okay?  
  
Raiden : All right.  
  
Peter : Don't forget that you need the radar to use this system. Log into the node at every Strut and turn the radar on.  
  
Pliskin : We'll have to keep out of the enemy's sight too.  
  
Raiden : Why?  
  
Pliskin : Because you're not of much use when you're dead, huh kid?  
  
Raiden : Good point.  
  
Peter : I know the structure of this facility. And, if he wants to take out the plant, where he would target.  
  
Pliskin : You know this for sure?  
  
Peter : Of course , I taught him the techniques he uses. His ideas are based on my theories. Demolition is a kind of ideology; it makes no exceptions for time or place.  
  
Raiden : Blow it all up? Why would they do that? It's like that dumb Solid Snake who blew up the tanker! What an idiot!  
  
Pliskin : Yeah, what an idiot...  
  
Peter : Big Shell consists of 2 hexagons joined end-on-end, north to south. There should be packets of C4's on each of the vertices, or the struts in this case. You need at least that to take out a building of this integrity out.  
  
Pliskin : Six on Shell 1, another Six on Shell 2 - a total of 12 bombs, at least?  
  
Peter : Considering the Shell's architecture and composition from an engineering standpoint - that's my conclusion.  
  
Raiden : Ohoh, you take the Shell with most of the bombs Pliskin!!  
  
Pliskin & Peter : ........  
  
Pliskin : They both have six bombs kid...  
  
Raiden : .....Damnit.....  
  
*They take the sensors*  
  
Pliskin : Kid this place is all yours. I'll take care of Shell 2.  
  
Peter : Take this.  
  
*He hands Card 3 to Pliskin, and Card 1 to Raiden.*  
  
Raiden : Hey, I wanna have the Card level 3.  
  
Pliskin : Shut up! You don't need it in Shell 1.  
  
Peter : The Big Shell's security layout includes varying levels of clearance. The clearance level is identified by the number printed on these doors.  
  
Raiden, your card can open doors with security level clearance level 1. Pliskin, your card can get you into level 3 areas.  
  
Pliskin : Haha, my card is better..  
  
Raiden : ....How did you get this Peter?  
  
Peter : That engineer I told you about gave it to me. He was supposed to program a set of all-access cards once we were on-site. Unfortunately, this card won't get you into very area of the structure.  
  
Raiden : Damn skinny guy!  
  
Pliskin : Yeah,..damn skinny guy.. Anyway, let's get going.  
  
*Peter starts to move. Pliskin stops him.  
  
Pliskin : You stay here! You'll just slow us down with that damn leg of yours!  
  
Peter : What the?! Stop yelling at me, I was going to hide in this pantry, why would I wanna move out with you guys and get killed like a dumbass?!!  
  
Pliskin : I'm a pro, you wouldn't get hurt with me.  
  
Peter : It's the other guy I'm afraid of, I wouldn't even trust him a BIBI- gun.  
  
Raiden : .....  
  
Pliskin : (agree)  
  
Raiden : What was that?!  
  
Pliskin : Oh nothing kid.  
  
Peter : Listen up, I'll give you instructions from here. I may also need to prepare a backup plan just in case.  
  
Raiden : In case of what?  
  
Peter : In case you screw up Gaylord!  
  
Raiden : I'm Raiden.  
  
Peter : Very well Gaylord. Good luck to both of you. This is a dangerous one.  
  
Pliskin : "Who Dares, Wins"  
  
Peter : If anything comes up, let me know. My frequency is 140.25.  
  
Raiden : Mine is 069.69.  
  
Peter & Pliskin : ..damn kid...  
  
Pliskin : I'm going, see you later kid. ... "Semper Fi"  
  
*Pliskin leaves the kitchen*  
  
Peter : That man's no SEAL. I don't even think he's a Navy man.  
  
Raiden : What?  
  
Peter : Semper Fi. Marine Corps Talk.  
  
Raiden : Cool.  
  
Peter : Normally, team leaders stay in the CP and give orders with those headphones. And as far as I know, SEALs keep their officers away from the field.  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
Peter : And -"Who dares, Wins" is a motto of the British Special Air Service.  
  
Raiden : Is he one of the Ruskie's then?  
  
Peter : No, of course he isn't Russian! He looks good to me. If there's someone to suspect, I'd put my money on you.  
  
Raiden : I ...  
  
Peter : I mean seriously, you come here on the battlefield with a gay name, a odd code name. A Codec Frequency with a sex position. A suit so tight your balls can't breath anymore and you're afraid of some C4.  
  
Raiden : I ...  
  
Peter : Yes?  
  
Raiden : I have to get going now, I have bombs to defuse!!  
  
*Runs out of the kitchen*  
  
Peter : ....  
  
*Comes back in, takes the sensor on the table and runs back out*  
  
Peter : Stupid kid...  
  
PART 11  
  
*Raiden comes out of the kitchen and has to find the first bomb*  
  
Raiden : Huh! I'm not gonna search for no bomb, what the fuck is he thinking. Uh! I need to piss.  
  
*Raiden runs to the women's bathroom and takes a leak*  
  
Raiden : Ah that felt good.  
  
*He washes his hands*  
  
Raiden : Hey what's that blinking noise?  
  
*Looks up and finds the bomb*  
  
Raiden : AAAHHHH!!!!!!  
  
*Codec*  
  
Colonel : Raiden, what your seeing there is a C4 bomb, you have to freeze it.  
  
Raiden : O-o-kay.  
  
*Takes out his USP and yells*  
  
Raiden : FREEZE!!!  
  
Colonel : ...Not with the USP moron, freeze the detonator with the coolant.  
  
Raiden : Oh right.  
  
*Freezes the first bomb and contacts Peter*  
  
Raiden : Peter, I have frozen the first bomb, the women's bathroom was set to blow.  
  
Peter : That's not like him.  
  
Raiden : Anything wrong?  
  
Peter : Maybe, the women's bathroom is really not an effective demolition point.  
  
Raiden : What do you mean?  
  
Peter : It means that it wouldn't be the best place to choose if you wanted to destroy this place.  
  
Raiden : Are you saying they don't plan on blowing the Shell up?  
  
Peter : It certainly seems that way, the only thing we have seen now is nothing but a waste of good explosives. Unless of course we're missing something.  
  
Raiden : A trap?  
  
Peter : He couldn't have overlooked the fact that I would be called into this. There's something going on.  
  
*Codec cut's off*  
  
Raiden : So, 1 down.....  
  
Colonel :*humph* ..5 to go.  
  
Raiden : And 5 to go!!!  
  
*Raiden goes to the C-D connecting bridge, He sees a Ruskie unconscious on the floor.*  
  
Raiden : Huh? What the..?!  
  
*Peeks around corner and spots a moving cardboard box.*  
  
Raiden : I'm going delirious.. Is that a moving cardboard box I'm seeing?!  
  
*Raiden takes out USP*  
  
Raiden : I bet it's a Ruskie, always have been know for their stupid war ideas.  
  
*Starts shooting at box, *BANG BANG*, The box stops*  
  
Raiden : Take that!  
  
*Bang Bang Click*  
  
Raiden : Damn, empty!  
  
*Raiden looks at the box, the four cardboard sides fall into pieces revealing a angry Pliskin sitting on his butt with his head between his knees*  
  
Pliskin : Damn kid!!!!  
  
Raiden : ?!  
  
Pliksin : You broke my box!  
  
Raiden : Sorry.  
  
*Pliskin picks up the cardboard pieces and runs to Strut D*  
  
Raiden : Hey wait!  
  
Pliskin : Fuck off!  
  
*Pliskin leaves Raiden alone on the bridge*  
  
Raiden : ...I'm scared..  
  
*Guard regains consciousness*  
  
Guard : Huh?! WHO GOES THERE?!  
  
Raiden : Oh crap!  
  
*Raiden takes his M-9 and shoots the guard in the balls*  
  
Guard : Huh? Oh not again.zzZZZzZZZzzz  
  
*Raiden continues to Strut D.*  
  
Raiden : So according to the black dude there's a bomb in this place. Of course he forgot to mention that there are a lot guards too. How am I gonna find this damn bomb?! Oh I know.  
  
*Raiden runs to the guard and taps him on his back*  
  
Raiden : Hey pal, looks like there's a bomb in this place, have any idea where?  
  
Guard : I dunno, use the sensor.  
  
Raiden : Oh good idea, thanks.  
  
Guard : Hey?  
  
*Guard starts staring at Raiden, he look at his face down to his balls and then says*  
  
Guard : Hey, you're no Russian.  
  
Raiden : How can you tell?  
  
*Guard points at Raiden's balls with his rifle*  
  
Guard : Your balls, too small to be Russian, you are intruder!!!  
  
Raiden : Oh well..  
  
*Raiden takes the guard and breaks his neck*  
  
Raiden : So, the sensor.Oh I remember, it was the device to detect people's farts or something, right?  
  
*Raiden activates the sensor and sees a big green area on his radar, he looks and can spot a guard walking through that area*  
  
Raiden : HAHA!! HEY STUPID RUSKIE!! YOU FARTED, I CAN TELL!!!  
  
Guard : HUH? WHO GOES THERE?!  
  
Raiden : Oh shit!  
  
*Raiden takes his USP and shoots the guard in the legs, the guard falls off and drowns in water.*  
  
Raiden : Oh poor guy.  
  
*The 3rd guard that was in the room heard something and goes to check the situation*  
  
Raiden : 2 down.  
  
Colonel : *humph* 1 to..  
  
Raiden : I knew that!! 1 to go!  
  
Colonel : That guard is going to investigate the situation, you can now easily sneak up behind him and freeze him to avoid a real battle.  
  
Raiden : Very well.  
  
*Raiden sneaks up on the guard and yells*  
  
Raiden : FREEZE!!  
  
*The guard lifts his arms in the air, he suddenly hears a strange noise*  
  
Guard : Ahhh, oef , prftfftf, rrrrrr!!  
  
*Raiden is freezing him with the coolant*  
  
Colonel : WTF are you doing?!  
  
Raiden : As you ordered Colonel, freezing him.  
  
Colonel : YOU RETARD, I MEANT WITH THE USP!!!  
  
Raiden : Oh, you should be more specific!  
  
*The guard slowly turns into a block of ice*  
  
Raiden : So, what do I do with this nice work of ice art?  
  
Colonel : Leave it. Don't waste anymore bullets!  
  
Raiden : Okay, but hey, how can I find the bomb now?! All the guards are dead!  
  
Colonel : Huh? Use the sensor.  
  
*Raiden looks on his radar*  
  
Raiden : So? The only thing I see is that I'm inside a big cloud of fart gas.  
  
Colonel : Fart gas?! No, dumbfuck, that area is where the C4 bomb should be!  
  
Raiden : Oh, ..Oh, I see it, it must be in one of these black thingies on the floor.  
  
*Raiden opens the black thingy*  
  
Raiden : AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! A BOMB!!!!!  
  
Colonel : I thought you said you knew it was there?! Why do you look so surprised!?  
  
Raiden : It's just scary..  
  
Colonel : Okay now freeze it.  
  
*Raiden pulls out USP*  
  
Colonel : WITH THE COOLANT!!!!!  
  
Raiden : ......  
  
PART 12  
  
*Raiden defuses the second bomb in strut D*  
  
Raiden : Okay that's done. Only 4 more to go right?  
  
Colonel : Right. Get to the next strut.  
  
Raiden : Okay, so I've been to strut A, then B, C and D. Now I have to go to ...P?  
  
Colonel : What you have to pee?! Not again man, you just went when you were in Strut C.  
  
Raiden : No you moron! I meant I have to go to Strut P now!  
  
Colonel : Strut P?! What the fuck are you blabbing about?! There is no Strut P, you have to get to Strut E! Ha, who's the moron now?! You don't even the know the goddamn alphabet!  
  
Raiden : Well excuuuuse me..I never went to school ya know, I only fought as a child soldier!  
  
Colonel : Yes that's a reasonable excuse.  
  
*Raiden gets to the D-E connecting bridge*  
  
Raiden : Okay, 2 Ruskie's patrolling here.  
  
Colonel : They should be no problem for you.  
  
Raiden : Yeah, but there are 2 Ruskie's patrolling, maybe I should wait for one to go down the stairs.  
  
*Raiden sits on the floor and takes the cigarettes Pliskin gave him*  
  
Raiden : Maybe I should try these, I hear it's cool.  
  
*Raiden takes a cigarette and puts it in his mouth*  
  
Raiden : Damn, I have no light! Maybe the guard has one.  
  
*Raiden sneaks up on the first guard*  
  
Raiden : Freeze, man.  
  
Guard : ! Euh, doin't shoott..  
  
*The guard pisses in his pants, Raiden takes a step back*  
  
Raiden : Damnit man! No need to empty yourself here! Anyway, got a light?  
  
Guard : Yesh.  
  
Raiden : Hand it over nice and easy.  
  
*The guard reaches for his rifle*  
  
Raiden : HOLD IT, YOU TRY SOMETHING LIKE THAT ONE MORE TIME YOU'RE DEAD!!!  
  
Guard : Euh? Pleashe, I wash oinly going to givve you my flashlightt from the rifvle.as you requeshted Shir.!..  
  
Raiden : WTF?! I meant a light, something to make fire, you know? F-I-R-E.  
  
Guard : Oj yesh!  
  
*Guard takes his grenade*  
  
Guard : Look, fire!!  
  
*Guard pulls pin out of grenade and throws it to the other side of the bridge*  
  
Raiden : ?!?!  
  
Guard 2 : Huh? What's this?! .*BOEM*...Aahahahahaahhhhhhhrrggg!!  
  
Guard : Look fire!! Fire!!!  
  
Raiden : This guy is even dumber than me..  
  
*Raiden let's go of the guard, the guard runs to the flames and the burning corpse of his partner. When he gets there he asks Raiden to come and see.*  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Guard : Look fire!!! Fire!!! As you requeshted Shir!  
  
*The guard runs around the flames dancing and shouting strange Russian ritual songs*  
  
Raiden : ....  
  
*Raiden quietly steps away towards Strut E*  
  
Raiden : Damn, that guy is nuts!  
  
*Raiden enters Strut E*  
  
Raiden : Oh wait! I forgot, I need some fire for my cigs.  
  
*Raiden runs back to the bridge, when he gets there there's no sign of the strange guard*  
  
Raiden : Hey where did the fire maniac go?  
  
*Raiden suddenly spots a strange person at the other end of the bridge, the person seems to be on fire, running against the wall and rolling on the floor trying to put out the fire that is overwhelming him*  
  
Raiden : What the hell?! That guy's on fire, what a dickhead!  
  
*Raiden runs up to the guard*  
  
Raiden : So, how you doing?  
  
Guard : .It burnsh!!!!!  
  
Raiden : Hey, not my fault mister.  
  
*Raiden pulls out a cig and holds its against the guard until it's lighted*  
  
Raiden : Ah finally. Thanks man, I owe you.  
  
Guard : .Pain!! Put fire out!!  
  
Raiden : Okay I'll help you.  
  
*Raiden kicks the guard a couple of times until he's close to the edge.*  
  
Guard : Hay whatsh you doingk?!  
  
Raiden : Putting out the fire! As you requeshted Shir. HAHAHA!  
  
Guard : NOOO!!  
  
*Raiden kicks the guard off the bridge*  
  
Guard : AAAaaaaahhhhh!!!  
  
*Guard falls into ocean, he's dead but the fire is out*  
  
Colonel : Raiden, Don't you think you should get back to the mission now!?  
  
Raiden : Yeah, I'm bored.  
  
Colonel : Get moving!  
  
PART 13  
  
*Raiden enters Strut E*  
  
Raiden : Damn, what is this place?! I'm supposed to find a bomb in here?!  
  
Colonel : I'm afraid so Raiden.  
  
Raiden : Well, I deserve a break, I'm gonna try these smokes.  
  
*Puts cig in his mouth*  
  
Raiden : So now I just have to inhale the smoke and.*COUGH!* COUGH!*  
  
BWEURK!! What the hell!?! This is disgusting!!*COUGH!*  
  
Guard : HUH? WHAT'S THAT SOUND?!  
  
Raiden : Damn cigarettes !! Pliskin, you moron !!!  
  
*Raiden runs through the room and goes up the 2 small stairs, he comes out and finds himself near the helipad. He spots a woman on the phone*  
  
Solidus : I've taken care of that annoying fly. What's the situation over there?  
  
Olga : I got some sea lice, they were crawling around here, damn bugs!  
  
Solidus : Yes good job, this place is crawling with insects.  
  
Olga : Well anyway, I saw a man dressed like a ninja just now.  
  
Solidus : A ninja?  
  
Olga : It's the only way to describe it. A kind of cyborg ninja, complete with a sword.  
  
Solidus : What.!  
  
Olga : Are you hiding something from me?  
  
Solidus : No of course not! (take the ninja suit and dump it, get a move on!).  
  
Olga : What was that?  
  
Solidus : What?  
  
Olga : That!  
  
Solidus : Oh your right another fly.  
  
*Smuck*  
  
Solidus : Hehe, flying bastard..  
  
Olga : No not the.Oh! You Americans!  
  
Solidus : Listen Olga, we know who you are! We found the costume in your locker, plus that poster of Carmen Electra nude. You knew it was for Fortune!  
  
Olga : Euh no, that suit was from last Halloween. I kept it with me.  
  
Solidus : I see..  
  
Olga : The guy I saw also had that costume but another model.  
  
Solidus : So, looks like we have a Halloween freak on the loose, not to forget that doofus that was hiding behind a piece of cardboard.  
  
Olga : Yes, that was funny, too bad he got away though.  
  
Solidus : Yes, I believe I remember his exact words were :  
  
"Damnit, stupid Raiden, he destroyed my box!" Haha, the fool's only sneaking tactic was hiding behind a piece of cardboard.  
  
Olga : Yes, well I have to go now. Over and out.  
  
*Olga puts away the radio*  
  
Raiden : Freeze!  
  
Olga : Why are you pointing that coolant at me?  
  
Raiden : ? Oh damn!  
  
*Raiden quickly changes his weapon*  
  
Raiden : There.  
  
Olga : That's a bit more convincing. Don't you think?  
  
Raiden : Stop mocking me!  
  
Olga : Very well.  
  
Raiden : You must be one of Dead Cell. So, what's your special trick, huh?  
  
Olga : My special ..? Haha!  
  
*A fly lands on the railing*  
  
*Olga smacks it*  
  
*Smuck*  
  
Olga : Damn bugs!  
  
*Olga shows the carcass of the splattered fly sticking to her hand.*  
  
Raiden : Huh?! I can do that too.  
  
*A wasp lands on the railing*  
  
Raiden : Look!  
  
*Raiden smacks the wasp*  
  
Raiden : AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! THE DAMN MONSTER BIT ME!!!  
  
*Raiden looks at the wasp's dart entering into his flesh, he runs to Olga*  
  
Raiden : Get it off!!! Pull it off!!!!  
  
Olga : Not a chance!  
  
*Olga leaps over the railing Arabian style leaving Raiden with his dart*  
  
Raiden : BITCH!!  
  
Colonel : Raiden, the only way to reduce the pain of that wasp is to piss on the wound.  
  
Raiden : I thought that was for jelly fish.  
  
Colonel : Oh, yeah...sorry, my bad.  
  
(Dammit, Rose it failed.)  
  
Raiden : What?!  
  
Colonel : I didn't say anything.  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Colonel : Just pull the dart out of the wound.  
  
*Raiden pulls it out*  
  
Raiden : It still hurts.  
  
Colonel : Leave it like that, it'll heal.  
  
Raiden : Okay. I trust you.  
  
Colonel : ...oookay  
  
*CODEC Pliskin*  
  
Raiden : I saw a female soldier - Ruskie.  
  
Pliskin : Must be Olga Grossafish.  
  
Raiden : Grossafish?  
  
Pliskin : Yeah she hates bugs and animals. That's what her last name stands for : "Gross, a fish!"  
  
Raiden : ..Gross, a Fish?  
  
Pliskin : Yeah, haha, what a stupid name!  
  
Raiden : Oh I see..  
  
Pliskin : Hey kid, I was only joking, her name isn't Grossafish, it's Gurlukovich. Don't be so naïve.  
  
Raiden : Oh but you.Damnit Pliskin, your humor is really at a critical level.  
  
Pliskin : So is your intelligence..  
  
Colonel : Haha, good point!  
  
Raiden : Hey!  
  
PART 14  
  
*Raiden goes up the stairs and finds himself on the heliport*  
  
Raiden : Okay, It would be smart to use my sensor now that I understand what it's for.  
  
*Activates the sensor*  
  
Raiden : I see, that plane there.  
  
*Raiden walks to the Harrier*  
  
*blink blink*  
  
Raiden : Oh that blinking noise again!  
  
*Raiden locates the origin of the sound and finds the bomb*  
  
Raiden : So, another C-4 bomb.  
  
*Raiden freezes it*  
  
*Codec Peter*  
  
Raiden : Peter, I have frozen the 3rd bomb, it was stationed on the Harrier.  
  
Peter : This is all wrong. This is something only an amateur would do.  
  
Raiden : What do you mean?  
  
Peter : All the bombs that have been found so far don't appear to be in the right kind of locations. And the quantity of the explosives isn't sufficient either.  
  
Raiden : Even Fatman can make mistakes, right?  
  
Peter : No. I trained him that means he's a genius like me! There's something else going on here.Get a move on with the disposal, Raiden. I've got a bad feeling about this.  
  
Raiden : Well I had a bad feeling about this from the start amigo, but nobody ever wants to listen to me...  
  
Peter : ..........  
  
Raiden: Peter?  
  
Peter : .........  
  
Raiden : Peter damnit!!!! Reply!!  
  
Peter :...............................  
  
Raiden : Fucking nigger.....  
  
*Raiden gets off the helipad and goes back into Strut E.*  
  
Raiden : No guard..Then I'll quietly move to the..  
  
Guard1 : Hey give me back my rifle!  
  
Guard2 : Come and get it!  
  
Raiden : ?  
  
*The 2 playing guards are getting closer and closer to Raiden*  
  
Raiden : Damn..  
  
Guard1 & 2 : Huh? Who are you!!??  
  
Raiden : IIIIEEEEEEK!!!  
  
Guard1 & 2 : AAAAaaahhh!!  
  
*The second guard throws the rifle in the air, the weapon falls back on the rolling carpet*  
  
Guard1 & 2 : THE RIFLE!!!  
  
*Both guards jump on the rolling carpet, the rifle enters into the machine, so do the guards*  
  
*SSHSIIILIEEZ!!*  
  
*Blood gets spewed out of the machine*  
  
*The 2 guards and the rifle come back out together in a box shape*  
  
Raiden : Oookay..  
  
*Raiden gets to the E-F connecting bridge*  
  
Mr.X : Careful! There are Play-Doh mines around here!  
  
Raiden : Who is this?!  
  
Mr.X : Stealth-equipped Play-Doh mines, invisible to the naked eye. Use the mine detector  
  
Raiden : Huh? That's an odd name..  
  
Mr.X : What? No you prick, my name is "Deepthroat."  
  
Raiden : Deepthroat, that has to be the sexiest codename around.  
  
Mr.X : Uh!? Well call me Mr.X then.  
  
Raiden : No I prefer Deepthroat.  
  
Mr.X : I told you it's Mr.X!!  
  
Raiden : So Deepthroat, why did you contact me?  
  
Mr.X : *Humph* To warn you about the Play-Doh mines dickhead, I already told you like 2 times!  
  
Raiden : Really? But who are exactly?  
  
Mr.X : Let's just say I'm one of your fans.  
  
Raiden : .....  
  
Mr.X : Not very convincing ey?  
  
Raiden : Not really.  
  
Mr.X : I have to go now, I need to pee and it takes about an hour to get of this damn costume.  
  
Raiden :...?  
  
*Codec Colonel*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, someone calling himself Deepthroat just contacted me. Do you know anything about it?  
  
Colonel : Ah kid, ignore those porn advertisers..  
  
Raiden : It wasn't a porn advertiser, he told me to watch out for some Play- Doh mines.  
  
Colonel : Well then it's a Play-Doh advertiser, just tell them to fuck off next time.  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
*Raiden looks at the floor and can't see a thing*  
  
Raiden : Play-Doh mines? Ha, that was bull.  
  
*Raiden walks on the bridge but trips over some invisible object*  
  
Raiden : HIIIJAAA!!  
  
*BOEM!!*  
  
Raiden : *COUGH* Play-Doh mines!  
  
*Raiden runs through the minefield getting blown from one mine to the other*  
  
Raiden : *BOEM*OOOhh....*BOEM*Aaaahhh ...*BOEM*IIIIIIEIEee!!!!  
  
*Raiden gets across, he falls to the ground all burned, he tries to crawl to Strut F when he suddenly touches something*  
  
Raiden : A Play-Doh mine? Oh, when I'm crawling the mine radar can't detect me..Damnit I should of known that sooner!!  
  
*Raiden takes the Play-Doh mines that are left and heads for Strut F*  
  
*CODEC*  
  
Mr.X : Hey Dumbfuck! What don't you understand in the phrase "USE THE MINE DETECTOR."?  
  
Raiden : Back from your piss?  
  
Mr.X : That's right.  
  
Raiden : Well, give me a mine detector, I'm on the bridge come and give it to me..  
  
Mr.X : ..I don't...  
  
*A CYPHER appears*  
  
Raiden : Waw, that's a nice mine detector..  
  
Mr.X : ...?  
  
Raiden : And look, the little green light is turning orange, ..now red..  
  
Mr.X : HUH?! Get out of there, that's a CYPHER!!  
  
*The CYPHER starts shooting*  
  
Raiden : AAAAAaaahhhh!!!!!  
  
*Raiden dodges the bullets and jumps to safety near the door leading into Strut F.*  
  
Mr.X : You allright?  
  
Raiden : ...I need a beer.  
  
Mr.X : ..That makes two of us...  
  
PART 15  
  
*Raiden enters Strut F*  
  
Raiden : Damn, so the 4th bomb should be here somewhere.  
  
Colonel : That is correct.  
  
Raiden : Thank you.  
  
Colonel : ...Well go and look for it!  
  
Raiden : Right on.  
  
*Raiden peaks around the corner*  
  
Raiden : Hum, one guard.  
  
*Raiden takes his M-9*  
  
Raiden : Aim and shoot.  
  
*Pang*  
  
Guard : ?  
  
Raiden : Freeze! Haha, now I got your radio! You can't call any reinforcements.  
  
Guard : Oh damn your right..  
  
*Guard slowly walks backwards to the railing, he can see the other guard the level below him*  
  
Guard : Oh no, I'm really in some deep shit now..(sarcasm)  
  
*The guard downstairs wears glasses and his view isn't superb but he can still spot someone with both arms up in the air*  
  
Guard2 : Huh? Aha, an intruder héy?  
  
*The guard slowly goes up the stairs wanting to surprise Raiden from behind*  
  
Raiden : Oh, what's that? Another level downstairs?  
  
Guard : That's right..but I'm the only guard patrolling here..  
  
*Raiden goes to the railing*  
  
Raiden : Waw, this is high!  
  
Guard : No it's not.  
  
Raiden : Yeah well I'm afraid of heights, you see.  
  
*The guard can see that Raiden is distracted and he then quickly take his rifle and points it at him*  
  
Guard : Now you freeze!  
  
Raiden : Aah!?  
  
Guard : Haha.mmm.  
  
*The guard is now controlling the situation*  
  
Raiden : Please don't shoot.  
  
*The second guard arrives, he looks and can barely see the two men. He can still distinguish one person holding a gun to the other one*  
  
Guard2 : Hehe, this time I will be the hero.Don't worry comrade.  
  
*The Guard shows himself and shoots at the one holding the gun*  
  
Guard2 : Take that bastard!  
  
*RTAKATAKATAKTAKA*  
  
Guard : UUUUUGGH!!!! You shot me..uughh!  
  
*The guard falls to the floor*  
  
Raiden : ?!.Oookaayy...  
  
*The second guard comes to Raiden*  
  
Guard2 ; Hehe, you see how I got intruder?!  
  
Raiden : (With Russian accent) Oh ya, you shoot well.  
  
Guard2 : Haha, I save you comrade.  
  
Raiden : Ya, say, I forget always, where is the C4-bomb here again here in F?  
  
Guard2 : You don't remember? Haha, there in the middle of the pile of the boxes there under..  
  
Raiden : There in the middle of the pile of boxes there under?  
  
*The guard points with his finger*  
  
Raiden : Oh I see, thank you, I remember now.  
  
Guard2 : Well I go back to my round now okay?  
  
Raiden : Okay but wait, I think you look tired, you need sleep.  
  
Guard2 : ??  
  
*Raiden pulls out his M-9*  
  
Guard2 : *Glumps*  
  
Raiden : Sorry.  
  
*Raiden pulls the trigger, the guard is asleep*  
  
Raiden : Damn, did you all see that?!  
  
Colonel : We did.  
  
Raiden : I rock! I got both of them!  
  
Colonel : If I remember correctly the blind guy got one guard, and if you wanna call killing a poor handicapped soldier a successful and professional kill, you do that kid.  
  
Raiden : ....  
  
Colonel : Just take care of the bomb okay?  
  
Raiden : Good.  
  
.........  
  
Colonel : Well get to work, go and freeze the bomb! What's the matter?  
  
Raiden : (Back with his Russian accent) Heheh, I forget.  
  
Colonel : HRRG!!! You bonehead! It was in the middle of those boxes there, you have to drop yourself in!  
  
Raiden : Oh yeah, I remember..  
  
Colonel : God..  
  
*Raiden gets to the railing right above the bomb*  
  
Raiden : *Glumps* I have to jump in there?  
  
Colonel : Sure.  
  
Raiden : But it's so high!  
  
Colonel : You want a parachute?  
  
Raiden : Stop it!  
  
Colonel : Just get in there damnit!  
  
*Uses the virtual slap*  
  
Raiden : Uuugh!  
  
*Raiden gets virtually pushed off the railing*  
  
Raiden : Yaaarghhh!!!  
  
*Raiden falls on the floor, he stands up and finds the bomb right next to him*  
  
Raiden : AAAAAAhhh!!  
  
Colonel : Freeze it! And stop yelling every time you see a fucking bomb, it's really pissing me off!  
  
*Raiden takes the coolant and freezes the bomb*  
  
Raiden : *Phew* 2 more to go now, I'm on a roll here.  
  
Colonel : Get back to Strut A quickly, as fast as you can.  
  
Raiden : Yes sir!  
  
*After 15 minutes*  
  
Raiden : Hu..hu.I'm back...Colonel?  
  
Colonel : Bouhou..*sniff*  
  
Raiden : Why are you crying?!  
  
Colonel : You have to be the dumbest son of a bitch alive!  
  
Raiden : Why that?!  
  
Colonel : 'Cause you just ran back through every goddamn Strut when you could of just taken the F-A connecting bridge back to Strut A!!!!!  
  
Raiden : Damn..  
  
Colonel : *sniff*Bouhou!*sniff*  
  
PART 16  
  
Raiden : Well anyway, it's good for my condition.  
  
Colonel : Yeah, I guess.  
  
Raiden : Hmm, I should be able to enter that room with my card.  
  
*Raiden enters the pump room*  
  
Raiden : Wow, look at all those pipes! Where could that bomb be?  
  
Colonel : Check it out.  
  
*Raiden circles around the room and finds the bomb well hidden*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, I found the bomb, it's right here in the middle of the pipes and all.  
  
Colonel : You should be able to crawl to the right of you and get to the bomb.  
  
Raiden : No way, I'll just climb over these pipes, piece of cake.  
  
*Raiden puts his feet on the pipes and tries to jump over*  
  
*He slips*  
  
Raiden : Oh crap!  
  
*BUMP*  
  
Raiden : Ooh, my head.  
  
Colonel : You ready to take the crawl-way now?  
  
Raiden : Good, good, you don't have to rub it in my face!  
  
*Raiden crawls to the bomb*  
  
Raiden : The bomb!!! AAAAAHHH!!!  
  
Colonel : Shut it! You knew it was there, I told you to stop yelling dammit!  
  
Raiden : I can't help it.  
  
Colonel : Just freeze the damn thing.  
  
*Raiden freezes the bomb*  
  
*CODEC Peter*  
  
Raiden : Okay, I got this bomb frozen.  
  
Peter : Good work. Only one more left to go.  
  
Raiden : Really?  
  
*Starts counting on fingers* "1, 2, 3."  
  
Raiden :Hey you're right!  
  
Peter : I know I am.  
  
*Pliskin interrupts*  
  
Pliskin : This is Pliskin. Do you read me, Petey?  
  
Peter : Don't call me Petey, my name is Peter! And I'm here, Wazzup?  
  
Pliskin : Raiden, you need to hear this too.  
  
Raiden : Make it short.  
  
Pliskin : ..I checked out the bottom of Strut H for you Petey.  
  
Peter : Peter.  
  
Pliskin : Peter.  
  
Raiden : Wait - what's this about?  
  
Peter : I asked Plisky here to look around. Knowing Fatman, I can't shake the feeling that all the bombs so far were just wrong.  
  
Pliskin : Plisky..?  
  
Raiden : So did you find anything?  
  
Pliskin : A hell of a lot of C4s packed into the bottom of the Strut, and a gummy bear, mmmmm...  
  
Raiden : Oh! You still have the gummy bear?  
  
Pliskin : No and even if I still had it I wouldn't give it to you!  
  
Raiden : That's not fair, you already got the Level 3 card and I get shit!!  
  
Peter : Dammit kid, take this then..  
  
*Raiden receives a VFCMBBD (Virtual Fiction Codec Mini Bey Blade Disc)*  
  
Raiden : Cool..  
  
Pliskin : What you get?  
  
Raiden : A VFCMBBD..  
  
Pliskin : Oh, a Virtual Female for Constipated Men Begging for Big Dicks  
  
Raiden : Oh.  
  
Peter : Shut up Pliskin! Anyway, I just knew Fatman had the real thing up his sleeve.  
  
Raiden : So all the other ones were dummies?  
  
Peter : No, they're a threat all right, but the detonation wouldn't be enough to destroy the entire shell. But the C4s Plisky found would inflict serious structural damage.  
  
Pliskin : That's not the bad news either. These are sensor-proof.  
  
Peter : What!  
  
Raiden : Huh?! That means the Fart device can't detect them, right Plisky?  
  
Pliskin : You call me Plisky one more time and I'll knock your teeth so far down your throat you'll have to pull down your pants to chew your food.  
  
Raiden : ..right.  
  
Peter : No this is serious! Pliskin?  
  
Pliskin : Well it's a new model I guess. The ionization sensor can't detect them. The whole thing is sealed tight to prevent vapor leak, and there's no trace of that cologne signature either. Peter, looks like he fooled you.  
  
Peter : Yes.  
  
Raiden : But you managed to find the thing anyway?  
  
Pliskin : Well yeah, I'm a pro..  
  
Raiden : 'course.  
  
Pliskin : Any ideas Peter?  
  
Peter : I'll go see for myself.  
  
Raiden : Hey I ain't carrying your big fat ass!  
  
Peter : No listen, I have something to confess.  
  
Raiden : You're black.  
  
Pliskin : You're gay.  
  
Peter : Shut it! No it's something important.  
  
PART 17  
  
Raiden : Well what? With that bad leg of yours, they'll spot you for sure.  
  
Peter : That won't happen. I.I can walk just fine...I can even run.  
  
Pliskin : What do you mean?  
  
Peter : That bomb, five years ago. I messed up. Even with all my experience, I lost it. And a church was lost in the explosion. All those kids playing nearby too, and the strip bar.These past five years, I've lived a lie.  
  
Raiden : HUH! You liar!  
  
Peter : Yes I lied. I didn't lose my legs in the explosion.  
  
Pliskin : .  
  
Raiden : You lost your balls?  
  
Peter : No! But for some reason I kinda believe you did!  
  
Raiden : ?! That's personal!  
  
Pliskin : Shut up Gaylord!  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Peter : So many dead - all because of my mistake. All I could think about was hiding from the crime, shielding myself from the public outcry. I wanted people to be sorry for me, for my weakness.  
  
Raiden : Well what did you do wrong with the bomb?  
  
Peter : Well, I was disarming it when I accidentally dropped my coke on it.  
  
Pliskin : It's smart disarming a bomb while drinking.  
  
Raiden : "Never drink and disarm."  
  
Pliskin : I believe it's "never drink and drive."  
  
Raiden : Yeah, whatever.  
  
Peter : Anyway, the electric circuit got all messed up and the bomb was out of control.  
  
Raiden : Waw, I never saw a drunken bomb.  
  
Peter : !? Oh yeah, and it burped too.  
  
Raiden : Really?!  
  
Peter : NO, you pea brain!!  
  
Pliskin : Don't worry Peter, the kid's all messed up, puberty and all.  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Peter : Well, after the explosion I faked being a victim myself because I couldn't bear to face the families of the real victims who saw their children all burned on the sidewalk. This is no prosthetic. I can keep my footing on catwalks and hike over deserts. I lived my lie so well I haven't even answered to myself for my sins.  
  
Raiden : So if I get this right, you could of gone disarming the bombs instead of me but you preferred playing the victim so you didn't have to go disarm them?  
  
Peter : Yes, I guess.  
  
Raiden : Damn, why didn't I think of that?!  
  
Pliskin : 'Cause you're an idiot.  
  
Raiden : Shut up!  
  
Pliskin : Hey, pete.  
  
Peter : God forgive me.  
  
Raiden : I don't know if he will, I mean after all you did blew up his church with your Coke.  
  
Peter : *sniff*  
  
Pliskin : Shut it, not a time to bring his moral down!  
  
Peter : I can walk with my own two feet.  
  
Raiden : So can I.  
  
Peter : ..Good for you. But I need them to stop Fatman. His crimes are also mine - one of omission, and arrogance. No one should teach the skills I taught him without a clear conscience. This is the only way I can defuse my own sins.  
  
Pliskin : I get you, pete.  
  
Raiden : I don't.  
  
Pliskin : Raiden just go and take care of the last bomb now okay?  
  
Pliskin : Petey, I've taken care of Struts G and H of Shell 2. I wouldn't recommend you go into any of the other struts.  
  
Peter : I owe you one.  
  
Pliskin : I'll get back to freezing the baby bombs then.  
  
Peter : You do that too, Raiden.  
  
Raiden : ..........  
  
Peter : Raiden!  
  
Raiden : ..........  
  
Pliskin : Don't worry he's probably too busy with his VFCMBBD.  
  
Peter : Yeah, I shouldn't of given him that.  
  
Pliskin : Let's move out.  
  
*Codec cuts off*  
  
.  
  
Raiden : Spin! Thingy-thingy! SPIN!  
  
PART 18  
  
*Raiden gets out of Strut A to the A-B connecting bridge*  
  
Raiden : Hey, these guards are back, I killed them both remember?  
  
Colonel : What, black?!  
  
Raiden : No, back.  
  
Colonel : Yes well, I guess they have some vending machines where they can get extra Ruskie's to patrol.  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
*Raiden moves a bit closer*  
  
Raiden : This one is all mine.  
  
*Raiden gets behind the guard and chokes him*  
  
Guard : UH! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!  
  
*Crack*  
  
Raiden : Finally, what's up with these guys, they were always yelling Uh! Uh!  
  
Colonel : Yes I know, annoying isn't it?  
  
Raiden : Very.  
  
*Raiden moves to Strut B avoiding the other enemy*  
  
Raiden : Strut B.What was this again?  
  
*Raiden sees the blood*  
  
Raiden : Oh yeah, right..  
  
*BWEURK*  
  
*Wipes mouth*  
  
Colonel : Are you finished?  
  
Raiden : Ready to go.  
  
Colonel : Good.  
  
*Raiden quickly enters the electrical room*  
  
Raiden : Hey, a flashlight?  
  
Guard : Is there somebody there?  
  
Raiden : ...no  
  
Guard : Hmm?..Okay then.  
  
Raiden : .He is so dumb.  
  
*Raiden wants to get down the stairs, but trips*  
  
Raiden : Hola!  
  
*Bump*  
  
Guard : Huh?! Who goes there!?  
  
Raiden : Not me!  
  
Guard : You won't get me twice with that trick. DIE AMERICAN PIG!  
  
Raiden : I'm not American, I'm a Presbyterian.  
  
Guard : Oh well that changes everything..  
  
Raiden : ..It does?  
  
Guard : HELL NO!!!  
  
*Guard starts shooting*  
  
Raiden : WAAAHH!!  
  
*Raiden runs around the block, comes out of the room and hides in the locker.*  
  
Guard : Huh.huh..I'm tired.you make me run..where are you?!  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Guard : He should be in one of these lockers.  
  
*Guard opens the first door*  
  
Guard : Nothing.  
  
*Guard opens the second door*  
  
Guard : Nothing.  
  
*Raiden opens the third door*  
  
Guard : HUH?!  
  
*Doink*  
  
Guard : Aw, my nose!  
  
Raiden : Sorry.  
  
*Raiden takes his USP, he shoots him in the right leg*  
  
Guard : YAAARGH! My leg, the PAIN!!!  
  
Raiden : Here, I'll give it some balance..  
  
*Raiden shoots the other leg*  
  
*Guard falls down*  
  
Guard : AAAAARGGH!!!  
  
Raiden : And now for the grand finale.  
  
*Raiden shoots the guard in the balls*  
  
Guard : Aw.  
  
Raiden : ??? Hey, you should be dead, I shot you in the balls.  
  
Guard : Oh you wanna shoot the balls? It takes some aiming. Here, shoot right here, this little thing here should be my balls.  
  
Raiden : Okay.  
  
*Raiden shoots the exact location*  
  
Guard : OOOOHH! Yes good, you got it.  
  
*Guard is dead*  
  
Raiden : Poor guy, his dick was so small.  
  
Colonel : Yeah, unlike yours I bet?  
  
Raiden : No need for sarcasm.  
  
Colonel : You're damn right it was sarcasm, pal.  
  
Raiden : .  
  
PART 19  
  
Colonel : Okay Raiden, only one more to go, you should find it here in Strut B.  
  
Raiden : Where is it? This electrical room is big and full of secret places.  
  
Colonel : Listen kid, that ain't my problem. Call me when you get it.  
  
Raiden : Yeah, thanks.  
  
Colonel : 'Welcome.  
  
*Raiden looks for the bomb*  
  
Raiden : If I were a bomb, where would I be?...I know!  
  
*Raiden runs to the lockers, he looks in all three of them*  
  
Raiden : Damn, no bomb.  
  
Colonel : Listen dipshit, why don't you use the sensor?  
  
Raiden : Not a bad idea.  
  
Colonel : Come on, equip it.  
  
..  
  
Colonel : That's your AP sensor.  
  
Raiden : I had that?!  
  
Colonel : Moron.  
  
Raiden : Here, this is the sensor a.  
  
Colonel : Good.  
  
*Raiden activates the sensor*  
  
Raiden : Hum? It seems to be here around the corner.  
  
*Raiden checks the surroundings*  
  
Raiden : I can't find it.  
  
Colonel : Look harder.  
  
*Raiden wants to do a tour around the electrical room, he then has to pass the metallic plates on the floor*  
  
*Click*  
  
Raiden : ?! What was that noise!?  
  
*Raiden runs back inside the electrical room, he looks around*  
  
Raiden : Here this door.  
  
*He tries to squish himself in it*  
  
*Bip Bip*  
  
Raiden : ?..You have got to be kidding me.  
  
*He looks down to his feet*  
  
Raiden : H-help.  
  
Colonel : Raiden just freeze it and stop crying.  
  
Raiden : O-okay  
  
*Raiden freezes the bomb*  
  
Colonel : I'm proud of you kid, you didn't even scream this time.  
  
Raiden : Yeah, I'm brave.  
  
Colonel : HeHe..no  
  
*Raiden contacts Peter*  
  
Raiden : I have the last C4 frozen. There's nothing showing up on the sensor now.  
  
Peter : Good work, Raiden.  
  
Raiden : I know.  
  
Pliskin : You're way ahead of me kid. I still have one to go.  
  
Raiden : How's your bomb, Peter?  
  
Peter : Bomb? I have a bomb?  
  
*Looks right next to him*  
  
Peter : Holy smokes! A bomb! Well, huh, it's a bomb all right . Sealed C4, and in huge quantities.  
  
Raiden : You think there's another one in Shell 1?  
  
Peter : For sure. Somewhere at the bottom of Strut A.  
  
Raiden : Strut A? I came in that way, I didn't see it.  
  
Peter : It was well hidden.  
  
Raiden : Why are you so certain?  
  
Peter : If this bottom section of strut is demolished, Shell 2 will be well on its way to destruction.  
  
Raiden : You mean that Shell 2 will actually sink?  
  
Peter : Yeah, Titanic style.  
  
Raiden : Sweet.  
  
Peter : But it won't sink immediately. There'll still be five struts left. But if Shell 1 loses a strut at the same time, it'll be a very different story.  
  
Raiden : Oh, not Titanic.  
  
Peter : No, more like Tsjernobyl.  
  
Raiden : Of course, because with all the toxins it'll have the same effect as that what happened in Tjsernobyl.  
  
Peter : Toxins? Never mind.. The Big Shell's structural integrity depends on a very exact balance. If both shells lose a strut each, the whole structure will tear itself apart under it's own weight.  
  
Raiden : What do we do? Use some "Slim Fast" to reduce the Shell's weight, haha.  
  
Pliskin : ...That's not funny  
  
Peter : Okay Raiden, you shut up now all right?  
  
Raiden : Understood.  
  
I have a sensor that can locate even those scentless C4s. It makes combined use of neutron scintillator and a hydrogen bomb detector.  
  
Raiden : Did.  
  
Peter : Shut it!  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Peter : I just tested it, and it definitely responds. But the best I can do is a sound beacon, not the radar.  
  
Pliskin : Sound?  
  
Peter : The shorter the interval between beacons, the closer the target.  
  
Raiden : I get you.  
  
Peter : *Humph* Good, I'm glad you do. There's one in the pantry I was in.  
  
Raiden : Okay I'm in Strut B, come and give it to me.  
  
Peter : What?! You come and get it dick!  
  
Raiden : Do I have to?  
  
Pliskin : If you don't the bomb will kill us all, and this one is even bigger.  
  
Raiden : Big bomb?!  
  
Peter : That's right, a bomb that has the size of Jennifer Lopez' ass.  
  
Raiden : Ouch.  
  
Peter : I'm going to study it some more, and see if the freezing process will work. Don't touch the other one until I say so.  
  
Raiden : I wouldn't dare.  
  
PART 20  
  
*Raiden moves out and arrives at the Strut*  
  
Raiden : So, this new sensor is in the pantry right?  
  
Colonel : According to the nigger, it is.  
  
Raiden : Nice...  
  
*Raiden gets the sensor B*  
  
Raiden : Peter, I have sensor B.  
  
Peter : Good. Head to Strut A.  
  
Raiden : What, again!? Man this is really...  
  
Colonel : Listen to the negro, Raiden!  
  
Peter : Hey, stop calling me a negro!  
  
Colonel : Mister Black, I am in command here!  
  
Peter : It's Stillman!  
  
Colonel : Who gives a flying fuck!? *Kshh* You are now designated Raiden.*Kshh*  
  
Raiden & Peter : Huh?!  
  
Colonel : Oops.  
  
Raiden : Colonel, you keep out of this now. Peter, how's your invisible bomb?  
  
Peter : I'm looking at it, but I'm keeping my distance. I don't wanna spill my coke on it again. How's Pliskin doing?  
  
Pliskin : A few more minutes... I just got to the last strut, but there are a few enemy sentries I have to take care of.  
  
Raiden : You get 'em tiger.  
  
Pliskin : Shut up.  
  
Raiden : Does it look bad, Peter?  
  
Peter : Maybe. It's an odd one - it has the shape of a dildo and it hasn't been activated yet.  
  
Raiden : What?!  
  
Peter : But the dildo-bomb's sensors are live... Wich means...is that it?!  
  
Pliskin : I'm about to freeze it. Then -  
  
Peter : Wait! Pliskin!  
  
*Bip*  
  
Peter : Damn, that was it!  
  
Pliskin : What's going on?!  
  
Peter : The dildo detonator just woke up. It's counting down!  
  
Raiden : What happened!?  
  
Peter : The big ones were rigged to be activated when all the baby C4s went offline...Raiden, the one on Shell 1 should be counting down too. Hurry!  
  
Raiden : What's the remaining time!?  
  
Peter : 400 seconds, no..wait, 397 seconds, now it's 395 seconds. I can't tell it's moving too damn fast! Raiden, move! Get to the bottom of Strut A now!  
  
Raiden : Yeah, after I take a leak that is.  
  
Peter : NOW!!  
  
Raiden : Okay-kay-kay!  
  
*Raiden heads to the roof of Strut A*  
  
Raiden : Okay, let's watch out for the pigeon shit this time...  
  
*BONG*  
  
Colonel : What?!  
  
Raiden : Aah, my head!... Dammit! I just tripped over a rat and then this fucking cockroach stole my goddamn wallet!  
  
*Olga arrives enraged*  
  
Olga : Take that you damn beasts!  
  
*Steps on cockroach and kicks rat off the roof*  
  
*Olga leaves*  
  
Raiden : Crazy bitch...  
  
Colonel : Get up and go down!  
  
Raiden : Haha, get up and go down...  
  
Colonel : You know what I mean!  
  
Raiden : Yeah, not like I'm stupid or anything.  
  
Colonel : ...  
  
*Raiden enters the elevator and starts going down*  
  
*Peter CODEC*  
  
Peter : Raiden, Pliskin, listen carefully.  
  
Raiden : What is it?  
  
Peter : I fell for it.  
  
Pliskin : Fell for what?  
  
Peter : Fatman has my number.  
  
Raiden : Really? Mine is 0475/ 69 46 42  
  
Pliskin : 69, for sex for two?  
  
Raiden : Yeah.  
  
Pliskin : Damn kid.  
  
Peter : No, it's a proxomity trigger. Microwave.  
  
Raiden : Mmm, aiki noodles...  
  
Peter : .... It's one with a 7-foot range. That's not a technique I taught him, neither was that multi-bomb booby trap. Looks like he's far surpassed me as far as explosives technique goes. As for the rest -  
  
Pliskin : Pete, get the hell out of there!  
  
Peter : There's less than '30 seconds left. It's too late.  
  
Raiden : I have to agree with Peter on this one. I mean face it, the guy's toast.  
  
Pliskin : NO!  
  
Peter : Pliskin, get away from Strut H, as fast as you can.  
  
Pliskin : Pete -  
  
Peter : Raiden, keep your distance.  
  
Raiden : Yeah, like I was gonna go for you.  
  
Peter : Use the spray from as far away as possible.  
  
Raiden : Me?  
  
Peter : You can do it. I know that.  
  
Raiden : Can't you ask Pliskin?  
  
Peter : Listen kid! I'm about to get blown to hell, now you could atleast do this, okay!?  
  
Raiden : Whatever.  
  
Peter : ......  
  
Raiden : .......  
  
Pliskin : .......  
  
Raiden : What are we waiting for?  
  
Peter : There are still 10 seconds left.  
  
Raiden : Oh, okay.  
  
Pliskin : .....  
  
Raiden : .......  
  
Peter : .......  
  
Pliskin : ......  
  
Raiden : ......  
  
Peter : ......*BOEM!!!* YAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!!  
  
PART 21  
  
*Raiden's elevator reaches the bottom of Strut A.*  
  
Raiden : Okay, now I have to defuse the big one.  
  
Colonel : Yes indeed, go!  
  
*Raiden moves to the water pool*  
  
Raiden : Where could that bomb be?!  
  
*Raiden looks at sea lice crawling*  
  
Raiden : Hey you bugs, haven't seen a bomb or anything around here?  
  
Sealice : Shiskhjk...  
  
Raiden : Yeah right, thanks for nothing.  
  
*Raiden steps on lice*  
  
Sealice : SHJJSHSJKKSSSS!!!!!  
  
Raiden : What? What are you all mad about?  
  
*Sealice jump on Raiden*  
  
Raiden : YAAAAAHH!!! Get em off!!! Colonel, they're eating my rations away!!!  
  
Colonel : Oh my...  
  
Raiden : HELP ME!!! It tickles!!  
  
*Olga jumps out of pool*  
  
Raiden : The bitch?!  
  
*Olga runs towards Raiden and starts jumping on him*  
  
Olga : Take that!..You....disgusting..BUGS!!  
  
Raiden : OUCH!....AAH!!....OOH!!...  
  
*All sealice are dead, Olga jumps back in pool and dissapears*  
  
Raiden : Thank ..you...  
  
*Raiden gets up*  
  
Raiden : Oh my stomach, crazy bitch weighs a ton.  
  
*Vomits in pool*  
  
Raiden : "BWEURK!"  
  
*Raiden sees reflection of blinking light in water*  
  
Raiden : The bomb!  
  
*Raiden runs to the other end of the pool*  
  
Raiden : Damn, I can't reach it.  
  
Colonel : Move closer.  
  
*Raiden stands at the edge*  
  
Raiden : NO,... I'm falling!  
  
*Raiden jumps in water but bangs his head against the C4-bomb*  
  
Raiden : OUCH!  
  
*Raiden falls in water and floats on his back*  
  
Raiden : Damn...  
  
*He can see the C4-bomb, barely hanging*  
  
Raiden : Shit.  
  
*Big C4-bomb falls on his groin*  
  
*BONK* *Raiden passes out*  
  
Raiden : ........  
  
Colonel : Raiden, wake up!!!  
  
Raiden : ........  
  
Colonel : Rose, give him the VR shock.  
  
Rose : Clear!  
  
*SHOCK*  
  
Colonel : No effect! Charge it up to 180, again!  
  
Rose : Clear!  
  
*SSSHOCK!!!*  
  
Raiden : Huh?! What?!  
  
Colonel : The bomb!  
  
Raiden : Oh right, the bomb...  
  
*Raiden takes out coolant and freezes the bomb while it's on him*  
  
Colonel : Good work, Raiden. Now get out of the pool, you'll get a cold.  
  
Raiden : Yeah, right.  
  
...  
  
Raiden : Colonel, I have a problem.  
  
Colonel : ...?  
  
Raiden : The bomb I was freezing while it was on me, euh, well, it kinda froze my suit to the bomb too....  
  
Colonel : Let me get this straight...you're walking around there with a frozen C4-bomb stuck to your groin?  
  
Raiden : Yeah...  
  
Colonel : Well, then I guess there's only one solution.  
  
Raiden : What's that?  
  
Colonel : You go naked.  
  
Raiden : What?! No way, this isn't "Raiden Streaking mode."  
  
Colonel : Well what else would you wanna do then?  
  
Raiden : ....I have an idea.  
  
*Raiden pulls out USP*  
  
Colonel : That's too risky!  
  
*Raiden shoots the frozen part between bomb and suit couple of times*  
  
*PANG PANG PANG!*  
  
Raiden : ....  
  
Colonel : ....  
  
*C4-bomb detached*  
  
Raiden : YAYA!!!  
  
Colonel : Lucky son of a bitch..  
  
Raiden : It was a great loss for everyone.  
  
Colonel : What? Who? Oh, the nigger? Get over it, plenty of them left in the world.  
  
Raiden : He was special.  
  
Colonel : No he wasn't.  
  
Raiden : ... Anyway, any damage report on the explosion?  
  
Colonel : Seems that the duct for diverting the contaminated sea water was destroyed, so the central section of Shell 2 is flooding. And the explosion's ignited the oil slick on the surface.  
  
Raiden : What else?  
  
Colonel : We found a couple of guard bodies floating, they were quickly devoured away by some sharks.  
  
Raiden : But this is New York!  
  
Colonel : These are specially mutated sharks.  
  
Raiden : And what about when I came in through the water?  
  
Colonel : They don't eat gayfood, they eat junkfood!  
  
Raiden : Yeah...  
  
Colonel : Apart from that the chemicals stayed in containment. There's no immediate danger.  
  
Raiden : Is the big shell stable?  
  
Colonel : Well, it isn't going to fall apart anytime soon so we're good...  
  
Raiden : What's the next objective?  
  
Colonel : Shouldn't you know that?  
  
Raiden : I forgot.  
  
*Sound of papers being shuffled*  
  
Colonel : Oh yes, destroy metal gear and eliminate the terrorists.  
  
Raiden : Those weren't my objectives!  
  
Colonel : Well son, looks like they are now.  
  
Rose : -Sir, that's the wrong objective page.. here..-  
  
Colonel : -Oh thank you Rose- *hu-hum*, listen up Raiden, change in plans, forget metal gear and save the prez!  
  
Raiden : Roger that.  
  
PART 22  
  
*Raiden returns to the elevator hall to begin his new task of locating the President. Another call comes in from the Colonel.*  
  
Colonel : Raiden, the terrorists have retaliated for our bomb neutralization.  
  
Raiden : Bastards.What happened?  
  
Colonel : A hostage was just thrown off the Big Shell, landing impact was fatal.  
  
Raiden : *Humph* Instead of just shooting one in the head.  
  
Colonel : My guess is they want to keep their ammo for you. Anyway, one of our satellites caught it, clear as day.  
  
Raiden : Damn!  
  
Colonel : They announced that they would throw one off every hour from now on.  
  
Raiden : What are my orders? What should I do?!  
  
Colonel : I dunno, the mission plan doesn't say anything about people being kicked off the Shell.  
  
So, just stay with the original mission objective.  
  
Raiden : Which was.?  
  
Colonel : .Rose?  
  
Rose : Rescuing the President.  
  
Colonel : Yes, rescuing the President, now go!  
  
Raiden : What about the other hostages?!  
  
Colonel : President Johnson is your first priority!  
  
Raiden : Priority my butt! They're all in danger!  
  
Rose : Gaylord, be reasonable. I know what your feeling, but you can't save them all.  
  
Raiden : No, not by myself.  
  
Colonel : Are you expecting that Pliskin prick to come through?  
  
Raiden : .  
  
Colonel : Looks like he's turned his radio off too.  
  
Raiden : You can turn this damn thing off?!  
  
Colonel : No, I said his radio! And don't even think we're gonna tell you how to shut down the codec.  
  
Raiden : How about pressing this off/on button?  
  
Colonel : .Damn  
  
Raiden : Don't worry, I won't turn it off, I need to contact Pliskin with it.  
  
Colonel : That man was not included in the simulation. He's not a factor in this mission.  
  
Raiden : Simulation? There was a simulation?  
  
Colonel : Euhm.No, forget what I said.  
  
Raiden : Colonel!  
  
Colonel : *CODEC turned off*  
  
Raiden : ..shit.  
  
*Raiden waits for the elevator to come in the elevator hall. When it does a slender black woman steps out. Fortune.*  
  
Fortune : I can't tell you how happy I am that you were alive after all. I knew this moment would come.  
  
Raiden : Damn, I'm popular.  
  
Fortune : Show yourself and finish me - like you finished off my father. Otherwise you'll be the one to die!  
  
Raiden : Huh?... Hey! I didn't kill Peter!! It wasn't me, some bomb just blew him up!!  
  
Fortune : That's not - him?....And by the way, Peter wasn't my father!  
  
Raiden : Oh. my bad, hihi.  
  
*Fortune charges her rifle*  
  
Raiden : Oh crap.  
  
*Fortune fires the rifle*  
  
*Raiden dodges it and hides behind some boxes*  
  
Fortune : This could - interesting. You've seen the fires of hell haven't you?  
  
Raiden : Can't say that I have.  
  
Fortune : .Yes, well anyway, maybe you can give me death.?  
  
Raiden : I can always try lady.  
  
Fortune : My name is Fortune, lucky in war and nothing else.And without a death to call my own.  
  
Hurry, kill me please!  
  
Raiden : Yaaah!  
  
*Raiden tries to run back to the previous area*  
  
*Fortune shoots the ceiling and rubble falls down to block the way*  
  
Fortune : Did I tell you? You're not going anywhere boy.  
  
Raiden :Don't call me boy you..you..NEGRO!  
  
Fortune : HUH?! Bastard!  
  
*Fortune starts shooting*  
  
Raiden : Yaaah!!  
  
*Raiden jumps behind some barrel*  
  
*Fortune shoots the barrel and some strange liquid is coming out*  
  
Raiden : Huh, what's this on my suit?  
  
*Fortune shoots some more*  
  
*The liquid ignites and Raiden's suit starts burning*  
  
Raiden : AAAAHHH!!! IT BURNS!!!  
  
Fortune : No shit.  
  
*Raiden takes his cardboard box and starts putting it on and off*  
  
Fortune : What the fuck are you doing white boy?!  
  
Raiden : What does it look like I'm doing?! I'm just a normal guy trying to put out a fire with a cardboard box!  
  
Fortune : .  
  
Raiden : And stop calling me white boy you negro!  
  
Fortune : What!?  
  
*Fortune starts shooting again*  
  
*A piece of wood falls on Raiden's head*  
  
*BONK*  
  
Raiden : AW!! Bitch!!  
  
*Raiden pulls out USP and shoots*  
  
*PANG PANG*  
  
Fortune : Come on stop trying to hit me and hit me!  
  
Raiden : I'm trying, now shut up!!  
  
*PANG PANG*  
  
Raiden : Damn.  
  
Fortune : I see you can't kill me either.  
  
*Fortune starts shooting everywhere*  
  
Raiden : FUCK!  
  
*Raiden jumps from left to right*  
  
Fortune : Stop moving white boy!!  
  
*Raiden stops*  
  
Raiden : I told you to stop *Fortune aims* calling me *Fortune has a lock- on* WHITE BOY, NEGRO!! *Fortune shoots*  
  
Raiden : HUH?!  
  
*The beam hits Raiden right in the torso*  
  
Raiden : UGH!  
  
*Raiden falls down to the floor*  
  
Fortune : Another death, but still not my very own.  
  
*Fortune looks at Raiden*  
  
Fortune : Damn kid, he's having a boner!  
  
Raiden : Damn right bitch !!!  
  
Fortune : ???  
  
*Raiden takes USP and starts shooting*  
  
*PANG PANG*  
  
*Fortune runs back*  
  
Raiden : Damn, nothing will hit her.  
  
Fortune : Impossible.How did you?  
  
Raiden : Well, I suppose that's my secret right.  
  
Fortune : You had a ration equipped?  
  
Raiden : .Yeah.  
  
Fortune : Damn kid.  
  
PART 23  
  
*Raiden jumps behind some boxes and avoids some falling rubble*  
  
*CODEC Colonel*  
  
Colonel : Raiden, Fatman just contacted us directly.  
  
Raiden : Fatman called us?  
  
Colonel : Yes. Looks like he placed a bomb on the heliport. He specifically asked for you, Raiden.  
  
Raiden : What!?  
  
Colonel : He's killed off Peter. Now he's after you.  
  
Raiden : ME?! Why not after Pliskin?!  
  
Colonel : How should I know?!  
  
Raiden : Bastard. Look. This is really not a good time for this. I'm still fighting the aboriginal lady.  
  
Fortune : Aboriginal?! Fuck you!  
  
*Shoots beam*  
  
*Raiden jumps to safety*  
  
Raiden : Yeah, and she's pissed off at me for some reason. She thinks I killed her dad or something, crazy bitch....  
  
Colonel : I don't care Raiden, the countdown has already begun!  
  
Raiden : Oh that' s just super! How much time do I have left?  
  
Colonel : I'll show you the count.  
  
.  
  
Raiden : So, where is it?  
  
Colonel : Behind you.  
  
*Raiden turns around and finds a watch counting down*  
  
Raiden : Sheejz! Thanks!...400 seconds remaining.  
  
*Raiden puts watch around arm*  
  
Raiden : Ooh, Isn't it pretty?  
  
*Fortune fires a bolt and blows the watch off*  
  
Raiden : Hey?! BITCH!!  
  
Fortune : *Giggles*  
  
Colonel : Raiden, do you know the time?!  
  
Raiden : Yeah it was 400 seconds.  
  
Colonel : Right.  
  
Raiden : So he's planning on taking this place out.  
  
Colonel : It looks like he has a different agenda from that of Dead Cell.  
  
Raiden : What about backup?  
  
Colonel : None, there's no time.  
  
Raiden : Which type of explosives is it?  
  
Colonel : The one that goes "BOEM!"  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
*Raiden cannot hit Fortune at all. On the other hand, he is fast losing places of concealment to her linear rifle. The elevators arrives, carrying Vamp*  
  
*The elevator comes to a stop and Vamp steps out. He runs up behind Fortune*  
  
Vamp : I'll take over, Queen.  
  
Fortune : What is it?  
  
Vamp : It seems our friend Fatman is out of control.  
  
Fortune : He'll actually try to destroy this place?  
  
Vamp : Yes. This could unravel everything we've planned.  
  
Fortune : But why would he do such a thing?  
  
Vamp : Well, he got turned on while watching the security tapes.  
  
Fortune : What? What was on them?  
  
Vamp : Our little blondy here.  
  
Fortune : .?  
  
Vamp : He saw him and had a boner for the first time in years, totally messed him up. All his blood was pumping down his pecker and he nearly fainted.  
  
Fortune : That bad, huh?  
  
Vamp : Yes. He's practically brain dead, he's completely lost sight of our ideals.  
  
Fortune : Poor Fatman.  
  
Vamp : Yes.Now he's nothing but a stereotypical mad bomber.  
  
Fortune : All right, I'll take of our 400-pounder wayward soul.  
  
*Fortune indicates Raiden with her chain*  
  
Fortune : It wasn't him.  
  
Vamp : Unfortunate.Hihi, Get it?  
  
Fortune : Shut up!  
  
Vamp : .  
  
Fortune : I expected more of this one, really.  
  
Vamp : But he couldn't kill you, I see.  
  
Fortune : Completely useless.  
  
Vamp : Then he's all mine.  
  
*Fortune turns her back, Raiden thinks he could land a shot.*  
  
Fortune : Later, Vamp?  
  
*Fortune leaves, her guard is down, and Raiden cannot fail to miss*  
  
Raiden : NOW!  
  
*CLICK CLICK*  
  
Raiden : Whoopsie Daisy!  
  
*Loads USP*  
  
Raiden : NOW!  
  
*PANG PANG*  
  
*The bullets veer away from Fortune but hit Vamp in the head instead.*  
  
Vamp : UH!  
  
Fortune : !  
  
*Vamp crumples but Fortune can catch him*  
  
Raiden : Damn.!  
  
*Raiden finds cover once again. Fortune places her hand on Vamp's brow.*  
  
Fortune : Vamp? Are you gone?  
  
*Raiden pops his head out*  
  
Raiden : What you talking about bitch? He ain't gone, your holding him right now!  
  
Fortune : Grrr!!  
  
Raiden : .Ookaay.  
  
Fortune : ..No. No, that death was meant for me. Why am I the only one that can't die!? Alone again.Cheated out of death again.. How long will You force me the live?  
  
*Colonel calls in*  
  
Colonel : Raiden, what's going on?  
  
Raiden : I have to wait for her to finish her speech, she's praising Allah right now or something.  
  
Colonel : Oh, okay.  
  
*Colonel out*  
  
*Raiden stands up and ticks his USP to his arm, meaning it's time he has to go.*  
  
Raiden : Yeah, well, sorry to burst your bubble here but I have to go. You mind letting me through?  
  
Fortune : You can come through but I still have one thing to say to you.  
  
Raiden : Okay.  
  
Fortune : I thought,..  
  
*Joinks*  
  
Fortune : .that you.  
  
*Elevator noise*  
  
Fortune : .?  
  
*Fortune sees Raiden in the elevator on his way up.*  
  
Fortune : .BASTARD!!  
  
PART 24  
  
*Raiden hurries onto the heliport, leaving Fortune and Vamp behind. There are no enemy soldiers in sight. The air is still, and the area is eerily silent. Fatman's voice booms through this stillness.*  
  
Fatman : So you're the one..  
  
You're right on time, I see. I like a punctual man.  
  
*The sound of a clock fades in. Raiden looks around, searching for the source of the sound and the voice. Fatman is not yet in sight. The sound of inline skates..*  
  
Raiden : Is he Dead Cell?  
  
Fatman : I am Fatman. I am the greatest that humanity has to offer.  
  
Raiden : and the lowest.  
  
Fatman : Yes, but that's my line.  
  
Raiden : Sorry.  
  
Fatman : Can you hear it? Hear this rhythm?  
  
*The sound grows louder. A shadow swishes among the containers.  
  
Fatman : It's the rhythm of time. And life!  
  
*A click and a new sound joins the existing rhythm*  
  
Fatman : Don't you just love the sound? I used to hang around department stores clock counters.  
  
Raiden : This is getting annoying, where the hell are you?!  
  
Fatman : Haha! You'll never find find me!  
  
*Fatman trips over his own inline skates*  
  
*BONK*  
  
Raiden : There you are!  
  
Fatman : Ah! Fuck it!  
  
*Fatman takes out a cane and gets back on his feet.*  
  
Raiden : Hey, you stole that from Peter!  
  
Fatman : Well he won't be needing it anymore.  
  
Raiden : .  
  
Fatman : "Your dick is short!"  
  
Raiden : Wa?  
  
Fatman : Oops, sorry, wrong line..huhum."Life is short!"  
  
Bombs tell the time with every moment of their existence. And nothing else announces it's own end with such a fanfare. Glad you could make it. The party's about the start.  
  
Raiden : Yay! Where are the strippers?  
  
Fatman : Couldn't make it on time, traffic and all.  
  
Raiden : Damn!  
  
*Fatman drinks some of his wine*  
  
Fatman : Yummy..Good year. Let's drink to Stillman, shall we?  
  
Raiden : Eww. You dirty blood drinker.  
  
Fatman : No, this is wine. Don't confuse me with Vamp, I'm a whole different person than that gay bloodsucking retard!  
  
*Drinks some wine again*  
  
Raiden : Yeah well, if you destroy the Big Shell, you'll never collect your ransom.  
  
Fatman : Ransom? What are you talking about?  
  
Raiden : Thirty billion dollars in cash!  
  
Fatman : Ha! Only that? I would ask for 30 MILLION dollars in cash!  
  
*Drinks some more wine*  
  
Fatman : Yummy.  
  
*Raiden calls Colonel*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, 30 billion is more than 30 milllion, right?  
  
Colonel : Yeah, good thinking Einstein.  
  
Raiden : *humph*  
  
*Raiden out*  
  
Fatman : So that's what's going on, huh?  
  
Raiden : What the hell are you talking about?!  
  
Fatman : You'll know soon enough. And I could care less what they plan to do. My ambitions are much more simple : To be the most famous bomber of them all.  
  
Raiden : You're nuts. No one's going to give a damn about you!  
  
Fatman : Oh, yes they will. I'll go down in history - as the man who beat Peter Stillman. That's the only reason I assisted them.  
  
Raiden : Like hell you beat Stillman. He had your number.  
  
Fatman : What did you say?!  
  
Raiden : I said : Like hell you..  
  
Fatman : No, I got that, you moron. Listen, that crock died a dishonourable death six months ago.  
  
Raiden : Six months ago - my first sexual experience..with a woman that is.  
  
Fatman : What?! No!  
  
Raiden : Oh, well then I bet you mean the liquidation of Dead Cell?  
  
Fatman : Call it what you want. Only the right stuff survived that hell. I set me free, you know. Opened the way to a new dimension.  
  
Raiden : Hu? You mean VR?  
  
Fatman : Not that kind of dimension!  
  
Raiden : well excuuuusse meee!  
  
Fatman : Arrgh! I hate it, this is exactly why I dislike boorish military types! No brains, just big dicks! Well.., basically, you don't even that last one.  
  
Raiden : Don't make fun of handicapped people, chubby..  
  
Fatman : Hehe, it's time to start the party.This is how it works : I plant a bomb...and it will explode soon after that. If you prefer to stay in one piece, you'll have to disable my bombs.  
  
"Laugh and grow gay!"  
  
Raiden : Euh.  
  
Fatman : I mean fat, fat.*Fatman hits his forehead* .Let's move!  
  
*Raiden spots a bomb counting down to his left*  
  
*He runs to it and freezes it*  
  
Fatman : Another one.  
  
*Raiden spots another bomb stuck to a box*  
  
*He freezes it too*  
  
*Fatman suddenly slides in front of him, he's holding a gun*  
  
Raiden : Yaiks!  
  
*Raiden jumps behind the box*  
  
*Fatman shoots but can't seem to hit Raiden, he reloads*  
  
Raiden : Now!  
  
*Raiden takes his USP and shoots a bullet at Fatman's belly, no effect*  
  
Raiden : Damn!  
  
*Raiden runs back between the containers*  
  
Fatman : Where are you hiding?  
  
*Raiden goes in prone position*  
  
Raiden : Hehe.  
  
*He aims for Fatman's inline skates*  
  
*PANG PANG*  
  
Fatman : WHOA!  
  
*BONK*  
  
*Raiden runs to Fatman and kicks him*  
  
*Fatman pulls out his gun*  
  
Raiden : Wha!?  
  
*Raiden jumps behind a container*  
  
*Fatman pulls out his cane, Raiden sees this and shoots the cane*  
  
*The cane breaks in 2, one piece falls of the edge and lands on a guard's head*  
  
Fatman & Raiden : Sorry!  
  
*Fatman takes the other piece and throws it at Raiden*  
  
Raiden : Huh?!  
  
*PONK*  
  
Raiden : Aww! My head!  
  
*This gives Fatman enough time to get up*  
  
Fatman : There! Ready to go back to the bombs now!?  
  
Raiden : Oh, not again! This party sucks !  
  
PART 25  
  
*Fatman takes another C4 bomb and plants it underneath a container*  
  
Fatman : Hehe.  
  
*Raiden spots the blinking bomb*  
  
Raiden : Damn!  
  
*Raiden runs to the bomb and freezes it*  
  
*Fatman arrives*  
  
Fatman : Don't even think about it!  
  
*Raiden quickly freezes the bomb, he then takes out his USP and shoots Fatman in his torso, 5 times*  
  
Fatman : Ugh.ugh.ugh.ugh.ugh!  
  
*Fatman falls*  
  
Raiden : Oh shit! No, not on me!!  
  
*Raiden quickly rolls under the container*  
  
*BONK!*  
  
*Raiden can see Fatman on the ground next to him*  
  
*Raiden puts his USP to Fatman's head*  
  
Raiden : No strippers, huh?  
  
Fatman : Damn..  
  
*Fatman leans against the wall, wheezing. Blood stains spread across the blast suit.  
  
Fatman : My suit.  
  
Raiden : Yeah, sorry about the holes in it.  
  
Fatman : Oh no. I've nothing to wear to the party.  
  
Raiden : You can always go in your underwear.  
  
Fatman : I'm not wearing any.  
  
Raiden : Oh. . Well then I guess the party's over for you!  
  
Fatman : That's what you think.  
  
*Fatman extends one hand and presses a button of some sort. An electronic beep sounds, and Raiden goes on alert.*  
  
Raiden : What did you just do?! What is this!?  
  
*He grabs the device from Fatman's hand. Fatman stares at his own slender fingers. The crimson nails flash in the sunlight.*  
  
Fatman : I have beautiful hands. These delicate hands can craft works of art.  
  
Raiden : Answer me! What the hell is this!?  
  
Fatman : It's the switch for the biggest bomb in the entire place.  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
*A strange liquid substance is sliding down Raiden's pants*  
  
Fatman : Hehe, you wet your pants!  
  
Raiden : Fuck.  
  
*Raiden throws the controller on the floor and tries to destroy it*  
  
Fatman : No use. Once it's activated, there's no stopping the count.  
  
Raiden : You're bluffing!  
  
*Raiden aims for the controller and shoots*  
  
*PANG PANG PANG*  
  
Raiden : ...  
  
Fatman : ..HAHA! You missed it!  
  
*Raiden runs to the controller, picks it up in his hand, puts his gun to it*  
  
Raiden : Think I'll miss now, chubby?!  
  
*Raiden fires a bullet, a piece of the exploding controller hits his eye*  
  
Raiden : Goddammit!!  
  
Fatman : Haha!  
  
Raiden : Where the hell did you plant it?!!  
  
Fatman : Hehe, you think I'll tell it to some blond kid like you?  
  
Raiden : Up yours!!  
  
Fatman : Huh? Exactly!  
  
Raiden : Wha?  
  
Fatman : Up mine..Who told you?  
  
Raiden : Told me what?  
  
Fatman : Hehe, never mind. I die here -- and start my legend. Too bad you won't be around to see the movies."Laugh and grow fat!"  
  
Raiden : ..shit! He's gone..  
  
*Raiden starts looking everywhere but can't seem to find the bomb*  
  
Raiden : Dammit, where is it? .  
  
*Raiden sits on Fatman and starts scratching his balls*  
  
Raiden : What did he mean by "up mine"?  
  
.....  
  
Raiden : I know!!  
  
*Raiden takes Fatman's legs and tries to move him*  
  
Raiden : UUUGGGGHHH!!  
  
*He can't do it*  
  
Raiden : How can I move him?!  
  
*IDEA*  
  
*Raiden takes out his C4 explosives, he puts one under Fatman's right side*  
  
*He runs behind a box*  
  
*Click*  
  
*BOEM!*  
  
*Fatman flips over, Raiden runs towards him*  
  
Raiden : Holy shit!  
  
*Fatman is now on his stomach revealing a C4-bomb stuck up his ass*  
  
Raiden : I'm a genius.  
  
*Raiden takes out his coolant and freezes Fatman's ass*  
  
*Raiden now pulls the C4 bomb out of his ass*  
  
*A big wet fart comes out with it*  
  
*Raiden faints*  
  
Raiden : ......  
  
PART 26  
  
*After 15 minutes*  
  
Colonel : Damnit Raiden! Get up now!  
  
Raiden : Huh?  
  
Colonel : Get up, get up!!  
  
Raiden : Ookay.  
  
Colonel : Good, looks like all the bombs are neutralized. One of their main leverages is now gone. That leaves -  
  
Raiden : Colonel, Fatman didn't seem to know about the ransom demands.  
  
Colonel : Hum.Well, if I remember correctly you didn't talk to him about the cheesecake, right?  
  
Raiden : No, I only mentioned the 30 billion.  
  
Colonel : That explains it, the cheesecake was his request, those little 30 billions were from the other members of Dead Cell.  
  
Raiden : Why was he only interested in a cheesecake?  
  
Colonel : My best guess is because he was hungry.  
  
Raiden : I see.  
  
Colonel : Anyway, it's good you took out Fatman.  
  
Raiden : Why?  
  
Colonel : Well, the cheesecake was on it's way to the Shell by helicopter when the pilot suddenly got hungry.  
  
Raiden : He ate it?  
  
Colonel : Yeah.  
  
Raiden : Damn.  
  
Colonel : Well, we should get going now.  
  
Raiden : What are my orders?  
  
Colonel : Rescue the President.  
  
Raiden : Where is he?  
  
Colonel : I don't know.  
  
Raiden : What does he look like?  
  
Colonel : What? You never saw him on TV or something?  
  
Raiden : No, I live on a farm in North-Dakota. My granny says TV is evil.  
  
Colonel : ..  
  
*Bip Bip*  
  
Raiden : Wait, I have another call. Want me to take it?  
  
Colonel : No, I'll go offline.  
  
*Colonel signs off*  
  
*Pliskin radios in - he's safe.*  
  
Pliskin : How you doing, kid?  
  
Raiden : Great! I got to fight with a negro chick and also this obese chubby boy on in-line skates.  
  
Pliskin : Sounds like fun.  
  
Raiden : Anyway, how are you?  
  
Pliskin : Could be better. Looks like I was out cold for while.  
  
Raiden : How did you manage to stay alive?  
  
Pliskin : I pulled a miniature Berretta out of my ass and escaped with that.  
  
Raiden : Freak.  
  
Pliskin : What about the bomb?  
  
Raiden : You mean the one I pulled out of Fatman's big ass? Defused.  
  
Pliskin : That's good news.  
  
Raiden : How's Shell 2?  
  
Pliskin : It's a mess. The bomb crippled Strut H.  
  
Raiden : What about the toxins?  
  
Pliskin : The what?  
  
Raiden : If the Big Shell blows up, the explosion is expected to produce massive amounts of toxins.  
  
Pliskin : No one ever told me that! Hey you, come back here!  
  
*Starts bashing Otacon*  
  
Otacon : I swear I don't know what he's talking about!  
  
Pliskin : Liar!  
  
*Knocks Otacon unconscious*  
  
Raiden : Who was that?!  
  
Pliskin : Santa-Claus.  
  
Raiden : Don't try to be funny! Who the hell was that?!  
  
Pliskin : His name is of no importance, you get me!?  
  
Raiden : Yes, sir.  
  
Pliskin : Good!  
  
Raiden : What about the hostages then? And the President?  
  
Pliskin : They weren't in Shell 2. They must be in Shell 1.  
  
Raiden : Does that mean I have to save them?  
  
Pliskin : Damn right.  
  
Raiden : We need to get the hostages out of here now.  
  
Pliskin : It's too far from Manhattan for a swim.  
  
Raiden : What about life boats?  
  
Pliskin : There doesn't seem to be any. Doesn't make sense.  
  
Raiden : So a chopper is our only extraction?  
  
Pliskin : Right. And it comes with a passenger limit. Intel has that there are about thirty hostages.  
  
Raiden : It'd take more than a single trip.  
  
Pliskin : We'll have to come back.  
  
Raiden : Maybe not, there is a way.  
  
Pliskin : How?  
  
Raiden : If we all go on it buttnaked! That'll give us a chance of putting all of them on the same flight.  
  
Pliskin : ...We'll stick to my plan. We come back.  
  
Raiden : Okaay. Can you pilot a chopper?  
  
Pliskin : No, but just one phone call to my matrix operator and we're ready to go.  
  
Raiden : ..?  
  
Pliskin : Forget that.  
  
Raiden : Do you know where the President is?  
  
Pliskin : No. That one's all yours.  
  
Raiden : The president is at the top of our rescue list. These are our orders, Lieutenant J.G.  
  
Pliskin : Your orders. Not mine.  
  
Raiden : Oh?! Well what are your orders then?!  
  
Pliskin : And I quote :"Save the day, and try to avoid the gay."  
  
Raiden : Save the day, avoid the gay?  
  
Pliskin : You'll figure it out one day kid, one day.  
  
PART 27  
  
*Raiden, having completed the bomb disposal, leaves the heliport to search out the President. He is about to go down the heliport steps when the neo- ninja leaps laterally into view.*  
  
Ninja : You passed with flying colors.  
  
Raiden : Identify yourself.  
  
*The ninja draws his blade and holds it out towards Raiden. The gesture seems more like a formal blocking move rather than a prelude to an attack.  
  
Ninja : I'm like you.I have no name.  
  
Raiden : What? My name is Gaylord a.k.a Raiden.  
  
Ninja : Oh, right.  
  
Raiden : Are you Mr.X?  
  
Ninja : If you like. But come, let's get out of the open. Follow me.  
  
...  
  
Raiden : Are you with FOXHOUND too?  
  
Ninja : Neither enemy nor friend. Just a messenger from the la-lu-lo-le-li- li-lo.  
  
Raiden : You mean la-li-lu-le-lo?  
  
Ninja : Yeah, that one.  
  
*CODEC*  
  
Ninja : This is safer, I think.  
  
Raiden : Safe from what?  
  
Ninja : Eavesdropping, of course.  
  
Raiden : All right - why did you contact me?  
  
Ninja : I've been ordered to give you backup, including the relaying of necessary Intel.  
  
Raiden : Ordered by whom?  
  
Ninja : A friend of the pope..  
  
Raiden : Saddam?!  
  
Ninja : Another friend.  
  
Raiden : Oh.  
  
Ninja : I can tell you the current location of the President, if you want.  
  
Raiden : What!  
  
Ninja : Or rather, the person who knows the current location of the president.  
  
Raiden : Who is it?  
  
Ninja : I don't remember exactly, his name is Richard something.  
  
Raiden : Gere?  
  
Ninja : No.  
  
Raiden : Awww. That guys butt is so cute..  
  
Ninja : ... Euhm, no, It's a secret service agent, currently being held with the other hostages.  
  
Raiden : Secret service, huh.  
  
Ninja : The head of the President's security detail. Richard has been fitted with the same type of VIP nanomachine system as the president.  
  
Raiden : Do I have it too?  
  
Ninja : No, I said VIP.  
  
Raiden : So, do I have it too? I'm also a Very Impotent Person.  
  
Ninja : Impotent?! It's "important" prick!!  
  
Raiden : Oh, so it means a Very Important Prick?  
  
Ninja : NO!!!! Very Important Person!!!  
  
Raiden : Ah! Now I get it..  
  
Ninja : Dumbass.  
  
Raiden : Okay, so, anyway, why are you telling me this?  
  
Ninja : Do I need to repeat myself?!  
  
Raiden : There's no reason for me to believe any of this. You understand that?  
  
Ninja : Of course. But you also have no chance but to believe.  
  
Raiden : .  
  
Ninja : Do you have any other leads?  
  
Raiden : ..where are the hostages?  
  
Ninja : Russian militiamen patrol the room.  
  
Raiden : Ruskie's?  
  
Ninja : *Humph* Yes, Ruskies. The hostages are being held in the conference hall - B1 conference hall in the Shell 1 core. You'll find the agent there.  
  
Raiden : What does he look like?  
  
Ninja : I have his picture right here.  
  
*Gives a picture to Raiden*  
  
Raiden : This is a picture of some guy in a Halloween ninja suit fucking a blind dog in the ass.  
  
Ninja : ?! Oops, wrong one.  
  
*Takes back picture, then searches his cyber pockets*  
  
Ninja : Hmm, looks like I lost it.Oh well.  
  
Raiden : How am I supposed to find him then?!  
  
Ninja : Use your ears.  
  
Raiden : What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!  
  
Ninja : Our agent has a pacemaker. You'll be able to hear the machine sound in the heartbeat.  
  
Raiden : You expect me to walk up to these hostages and listen to every one of their heartbeats?  
  
Ninja : The sound is too minute to detect unamplified. You'd be captured immediately.  
  
Raiden : What do I do then?  
  
Ninja : Use the microphone.  
  
Raiden : !  
  
*Raiden takes out his Karaoke microphone and starts singing "Uncle Fucker"*  
  
Ninja : The DIRECTIONAL microphone.  
  
*Puts microphone away*  
  
Raiden : I don't have that one.  
  
Ninja : There's one somewhere in the core...take this.  
  
*Ninja gives Raiden level 2 card*  
  
Raiden : Yes! Only one more to go and I'm at Pliskin's level!  
  
Ninja : This security card will unlock all level 2 security doors, including the one into the core. It's called a PAN card. It works together with your body's own electronic field.  
  
Raiden : PAN?  
  
Ninja : Yes, Permanent Account Number.  
  
Raiden : No, I thought it was Pen..  
  
Ninja : I don't want to hear it!!!  
  
Raiden : .  
  
Ninja : Here, take this.  
  
Raiden : Waw, a new outfit!! Armani?!  
  
Ninja : Ruskie!  
  
Raiden : Oh I see, a terrorist, huh?  
  
Ninja : The surveillance camera won't let you in without the correct uniform.  
  
Raiden : You want me to disguise myself?  
  
Ninja : .No, I want you to take the uniform, throw it over the camera and then sneak in.  
  
Raiden : Hmmm..  
  
Ninja : Listen, you put the uniform on when entering and you keep it on!  
  
Raiden : Roger.  
  
Ninja : The uniform alone won't fool them.  
  
Raiden : You talking about weapons.  
  
Ninja : Yes, good Raiden. You need an AK.  
  
Raiden : COOL!! That shoots really fast!  
  
Ninja : I know.  
  
Raiden : But I saw them carrying AN-94.  
  
Ninja : All men assigned to the core section carry AK's.  
  
Raiden : So without an AK-74u, someone will discover me!  
  
Ninja : And then they'll spank your bottom!  
  
Raiden : Reminds me of the days on that farm in North-Dakota, with my granny.  
  
Ninja : You can take care of the weapon issue yourself. One other thing -  
  
Raiden : There's more?  
  
Ninja : You'll also have to pass a retinal scan to get into the conference hall.  
  
Raiden : Biometrics. Crap.  
  
Ninja : Nothing but the real thing will suffice. Deception is not an option here.  
  
Raiden : So I take a guard, kill him, cut his eyes off and then show them to the machine?  
  
Ninja : You sick fuck! No! The machine has to see living things! I suggest you hurry. They have the nuke on their side.  
  
Raiden : The nuke?! That's a bomb right?!  
  
Ninja : Kinda, yes.  
  
Raiden : AAAAAHHH!! I thought the bomb threat was over?!  
  
Ninja : This is another bomb threat.  
  
Raiden : How many frickin bomb threats do you have here?!!  
  
Ninja : A few..  
  
Raiden : Well, don't they need a code to launch it?  
  
Ninja : Yes, they have it. It was "lollypop".  
  
Raiden : There has to be another security system.  
  
Ninja : Hmm yes, you saw it too I believe. The navy man with half a handcuff. The other half of it is on the football.  
  
Raiden : They brought a football along?! Why?  
  
Ninja : Not an ordinary football, it's the black case, the nuclear button. And now they have it.  
  
Raiden : Why did they bring a nuclear button then? To a decontamination plant of all places.  
  
Ninja : But they did have to. Because, after all, the Big Shell is the farthest thing from a cleanup plant there is.  
  
Raiden : What?!  
  
Ninja : Dead Cell didn't have to bring a nuke along with them. It was right here to begin with. Nothing in this affair is what it seems.  
  
Raiden : A cover-up -- but why? For what?  
  
Ninja : For metal gear, that is housed here.  
  
Raiden : Metal gear?!!  
  
Ninja : Right on, the big badass bipedal nuke-capable vehicle of death.  
  
This place is the R&D center for it's newest incarnation.  
  
Raiden : What the hell is going on here?!  
  
Ninja : *cough* Better ask Richard the rest.  
  
*Ninja gives Raiden a cellular phone*  
  
Raiden : What's this for?  
  
Ninja : So that we can track you d.. I mean, so I can call you of course.  
  
Raiden : How does it work?  
  
Ninja : It's like a phone.  
  
Raiden : Oh I see.  
  
*Raiden starts dialling a number*  
  
*1-800-522-HUNK*  
  
GP : Hello, and welcome to the Gay Hotline.  
  
*Raiden hangs up*  
  
Raiden : Yeah, works very well.  
  
Ninja : It's not to make those kinds of calls, those things cost a lot and I'm the one to pay the bill here, get it?!  
  
Raiden : Understood.  
  
Ninja : Remember to keep the vibration function on.  
  
Raiden : Cool, a vibration function.  
  
*Raiden inspects his phone*  
  
Raiden : But how do I..  
  
*The ninja is gone*  
  
Raiden : Oh...  
  
*Raiden looks around, he activates the automatic vibration function and stuffs the phone up his ass.*  
  
Raiden : That's right! Oh yeah!  
  
PART 28  
  
*CODEC Colonel*  
  
Raiden : Colonel, who was that man just now?  
  
Colonel : I think it was a ninja.  
  
Raiden : No shit.  
  
Colonel : But he's not one of ours. No -- we have no one like that in our unit.  
  
Raiden : He said that the Big Shell was housing a new model of Metal Gear.  
  
Colonel : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA..Could be true.  
  
Raiden : Colonel, what are you not telling me?  
  
Colonel : I've been completely open with you Raiden. I've told you everything.  
  
Raiden : Liar.  
  
Colonel : You're the liar.  
  
Raiden : Me?!  
  
Colonel : Liar, liar, pants on fire!!  
  
Raiden : Shut up!  
  
Colonel : Listen boy, I'll have the Metal gear rumor looked into. You need to make contact with Ames.  
  
Raiden : Ames?  
  
Colonel : Richard Ames.  
  
Raiden : How do you know his full name?  
  
Colonel : Rose and I did some research.  
  
Raiden : What else do you know about him?  
  
Colonel : Just his name.  
  
Raiden : .  
  
Colonel : Isn't that all you need?  
  
Raiden : A description of him would have been good too, but never mind.  
  
Colonel : Okay Raiden, since we have no other leads on the President's location we'll have to trust the ninja freak. Disguise yourself as an enemy soldier and infiltrate the Shell 1 core.  
  
Raiden : .Understood.  
  
*Raidens runs over the bridge to the core, the plates start falling*  
  
Raiden : Huh!? What the!?  
  
*A cypher spots him*  
  
Raiden : Damnit!  
  
*Raiden runs and jumps to dodge the bullets, he arrives at the other end*  
  
Raiden : Piece of cake.  
  
*As Raiden enters the core in search of Ames, he receives a codec call from Rose*  
  
Rose : Got a minute, Gay?  
  
Raiden : Please, add the Lord.  
  
Rose : Okay, Gaylord. I found some information on where Solid Snake is interred.  
  
Raiden : Great. Shoot.  
  
Rose : I don't have a gun.  
  
Raiden : I mean the information, bimbo.  
  
Rose : Oh, well, I've located the grave site.  
  
Raiden : And the body?  
  
Rose : Exhumed for DNA testing.  
  
Raiden : Well? Do you have any results?  
  
Rose : The right arm was missing, but there was no doubt that it was him. That body belongs to Solid Snake.  
  
Raiden : Hrmmm. So the head of the terrorist group must be -  
  
Rose : An impostor.  
  
Raiden : Right.  
  
Rose : You sound disappointed.  
  
Raiden : I guess -- I guess I was kind of hoping to meet the legend in the flesh.  
  
Rose : I get you. But it looks like he's not behind this incident.  
  
Raiden : .  
  
Rose : Well stop wining, it's better for you this way. If you had to fight the legendary Solid Snake you would of been eliminated just like that.*Snaps fingers*  
  
Raiden : Guess you're right.I might still have a chance now.  
  
Rose : Exactly.  
  
Colonel : Raiden, the president need you, I think. Disguise yourself as an enemy personnel and infiltrate the core section. Your priority is to contact Agent Ames.  
  
*Raiden enters the core dressed as an enemy militia.*  
  
Raiden : *Glups* Sure are a lot of bad guys here.  
  
Colonel : Act like a terrorist and they won't see the difference.  
  
Raiden : Got it.  
  
*Raiden starts walking from right to left, left to right, right to left, left to right.  
  
Colonel : Stop it!! You shouldn't act 100% like them, your objective is to get on that elevator!  
  
Raiden : Oh right.  
  
*Raiden walks around the level*  
  
*He spots another guard, all alone in a corner*  
  
Raiden : Hey! How's it hangin?  
  
JS : ..HHHuuuuuhhhhhmm..  
  
Raiden : ?  
  
*The terrorist runs outside, steps on a metal plate, pulls down his pants and starts shitting through the bridge hole into the ocean.*  
  
Raiden : Yummy.  
  
*The terrorist returns*  
  
Raiden : You having some anal problems?  
  
JS : Some years now.  
  
Raiden : Poor you.  
  
JS : Well, I have to get back now.  
  
Raiden : Wait, what's your name?  
  
JS : Johnny.  
  
Raiden : Hmm, mine is Ga.. Gabriel.  
  
JS : Nice meeting you Gabriel.  
  
Raiden : Nice meeting you Johnny.  
  
*Johnny gets back to his corner*  
  
Raiden : Poor thing.  
  
Colonel : Raiden, move, we lost enough time already!  
  
Raiden : Elevator.  
  
*Raiden runs to the elevator*  
  
*He gets past the corner and bumps into another guard*  
  
*BUMP*  
  
*His clothes fall off*  
  
Raiden : AAAAAAhhhhh, I'm naked!!  
  
Guard : Put it back on, put it back on!!!  
  
*Raiden takes his clothes and puts them back on*  
  
Raiden : There.  
  
Guard : Better, now, hands up!!  
  
Raiden : AH!  
  
*Raiden stands there, with a rifle to his balls, waiting*  
  
Raiden : So, what now?  
  
Guard : Still thinking.  
  
*Raiden can see Johnny in his left eye corner running towards him with his hands to his ass*  
  
JS : OOOHHH!! NOT AGAIN!!!  
  
*Johnny runs past the corner, bumping into Raiden and the guard*  
  
Raiden, Guard & Johnny : UUUUGGGH!!  
  
*BONK* *BUNK* *BANK*  
  
*Raiden uses the opportunity to quickly put his militia suit back on.*  
  
*He gets into the elevator*  
  
Raiden : Thanks Johnny, I owe you one!  
  
*Raiden can see Johnny crying*  
  
Raiden : What's the matter?!  
  
*The elevator door closes, Raiden can however still get a glimpse of some brown liquid spreading over the floor*  
  
Raiden : Ewwww. 


End file.
